demons.

demons.

noun. sources or agents of evil, harm, distress, or ruin.

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i have always been a shy person. 

the smallest encounters make my heart ferociously pound.

and for a long time, this anxious pulse made me often rely on my parents. 

my anxiety was dormant for most of my life. so i was just shy.

but that all changed one day during my junior year of high school.

my 10 year old cousin Gabriella died from cancer. 

after that, 

my anxiety came out with full force. 

i remember my first panic attack:

gasping for air, 

uncontrollably shaking, 

crying, 

and trying to grab onto anything that was certain, 

anything tangent.

i have had anxiety for a little over four years now, 

and with anxiety comes the possibility of experiencing an attack at any given moment when anxiety wins the fight.

life got hard sometimes, and it sometimes it still does. 

the uncertainty of when my next attack would be made me more anxious, 

being more anxious made me more anxious, 

having stress made me more anxious, 

every little thing made me more anxious. 

and sometimes that vicious cycle feels like it’ll never stop.

however, you have to deal with your demons. 

you have to fight the fight.

dealing with my demons everyday is the hardest part of my day.

and i am constantly stuck in my own mind. 

talking about mental illnesses makes some people very uncomfortable.

some people simply just don’t want to talk about it…

but it is something i have to deal with everyday 

and talking about it with others helps not only me, 

but also help others cope with it. 

my mental illness doesn’t define who i am. 

yes, at this moment in life it often controls me, 

but one day i will finally control it. 

having this mindset led me to start taking care of myself more, 

loving myself more, 

and most importantly 

being unapologetic for having anxiety. 

having self-love and self-worth is the most important thing 

when dealing with your own demons, 

and choosing to love myself every day is leading me to win this battle. 

and ultimately heals me.

[sabrina]