dawn.

dawn.
noun. the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise.

"the night is darkest just before the dawn." 

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i've never hated myself.

i liked me, but I didn't quite love me.

not for the majority of my past, anyways.

i didn't know what "self love" qualified as.

i was always taught to put others first.

in doing this, didn't realize that i had been putting others before my own health.

i allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

i ended up in many unhappy situations that weren't necessary for me to be in.

i didn't allow myself to demand the respect i deserved.

anything positive about me, i would downplay for fear of coming off as cocky.

i would slip into secret depressions for no apparent reason for months on end.

nobody would ever know, i had a pretty convincing mask.

i liked me, but i didn't love me.

i didn't think much of it, though.

i tried to bottle it up, but it all broke loose in october of 2015.

i had been allowing certain people to manipulate and control 

my mind, 

emotions, 

and life 

for far too long…

eventually, 

the final straw that broke my back was thrown down.

that night was a blur of red.

i don't remember much from that night, but i know that i called andrea...

and talked to her about what probably was a rather trivial situation in retrospect.

but i couldn't compose myself.

i don't remember a point in my life where i had ever felt such a lack of control of my emotions as i did that day.

if "mental breakdown" was in the dictionary, the definition would just be a picture of me on that october night as i sat sobbing, beating the wall and gasping for air in the shower.

that was the lowest i'd ever felt, and that was when i knew i had to make a change.

either out of coincidence or fate, andrea and i became much closer after that day.

i say "closer" because, even though we'd known each other pretty well for about 3-4 years prior to that event, i still had no idea what her voice sounded like.

it's a weird detail to keep track of, i know.

but while i was on the phone with her for that first time, despite the oncoming breakdown i had, i remember hearing the calming familiarity and empathy in her voice.

like she'd been there before.

she had the ability to help keep me sane in one of the rare situations where i felt helpless and hopeless towards myself.

she had always talked about self-love before, and while i always approved and appreciated the idea and loved to hear her talk about it,

i never quite understood it.

but after hearing her voice for that first time over the phone, i did.

the first step i took was cutting out any negative and toxic people i had in my life.

there weren't many, but they existed.

that alone was a weight off my shoulders.

i've stopped relying on the approval and justification of others.

relationships with my friends, family, and teammates have been strengthened.

i've started getting the respect and recognition i deserve.

my happiness is no longer dependent on anyone/thing other than God and myself.

i'm exponentially more involved around campus and happy this year than i ever could have imagined i would be in college.

my confidence has taken a huge 180 from years past.

i acknowledge my flaws and imperfections - i'm not ignorant or blind.

but i continue to work on them.

i don't let them hold me back anymore.

it's unfortunate that it took almost 21 years to get to the point where i started treating myself the way i deserved to be.

but if i had never felt that weak, i know i wouldn't be as strong as i am now.

if you could take the current 22 year-old me and compare it with 20 year-old me, you wouldn't recognize who i was back then.

i'm thankful for how things have turned around for the better for my mental health in this past year.

i'm thankful for those that were, are, and will be in my life.

i'm thankful for andrea for being there for me in my dark times.

to me, self-love is being in charge of your own happiness.

if you control your happiness, there is no person or situation that will ever have any more power over you than you allow it to.

self-love, self-awareness, self-respect; i don't care what you call it, 

it matters.

though it took me a while to realize this, self-love has allowed me to enjoy my life to a fuller extent than i realized i could.

i will always love God.

i will always love my family.

i will always love my friends.

i will always love me.

[josh]