satire.

satire.  
noun. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose or criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics, societies, and topical issues.

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Slut Shaming and 77 cents

by Andrea Torres

Slut shaming has happened since the beginning of time. Those who do not believe me need to talk to Mary Magdalene and Hester Prynne. Like those fine ladies, who should have been stoned (actual stones thrown at them, not passed a blunt) in my opinion, I have been demeaned as a slut just because of my physique and outspoken attitude. I am so glad I was belittled, because that ensured me never turning into a real slut. The insults I got from women motivated me to become the best woman I could possibly be. The perverted comments from boys in my past made me realize my true worth, nothing but a sex toy to make them sandwiches when they order. And when society shuns me because my dress is too tight and too short I realized that my outfit is asking for boys with penises smaller than my hem line to think I’m unintelligent, worthless, and interested in them. Women need to stop trying to prove their worth because other women, men, and society will always kick them down to their knees-the position they should stay in.

Bruised knees and hearts are two things that go with being born with a vagina. Women are not capable to bond over being bruised; envy and craziness take over because no two bruises are the same size. Coming together and forming a womanly bond would only destroy this world, we’d make Oprah Winfrey president and start a World War III during our synced up cycles. Luckily, that will not happen because most females are too busy deciding what Instagram filter makes their face look better than the girl’s standing next to her. The more likes your picture gets, the hotter you are, the more likely you will get a chance with that hot dude. Boy’s opinions are the only ones that matter, especially since the girls telling you that you are beautiful are still envious of your bruises.

The creatures who give you the bruises are the most superior creatures this universe has created. They are purely rational and even their emotions can be backed up with logic. Woman should not even try to inspire to be as powerful as the male sex is. That will never happen. You can only have true power when you have something between your legs. Being born with a penis sets you up for a life of success and the authority to tell us women to cook, clean, and spread our legs with one look, one demand. Women should feel lucky to even get a glance, especially when they are not made up or look the part. Even the Victoria’s Secret angels have bruises, some divorced, and some cheated on. And I bet they deserved it because as the famous Meninist twitter account says, “Women are like used cars. No matter how much you like it, just remember another guy beat the shit out of it then ditched it for a better one”. Women are never smart or pretty enough to be bought at full price, not even an extra 23 cents. There is a reason it took 144 years for America to let women vote. However, as an amendment that gave women input in political issues, the 19th Amendment should have never been approved, because women can barely make the right decision about what to cook for dinner. If you think Obama Care is bad, just think about Oprah giving away everything for free. The United States of America’s economy would go down the drain. Women are simply not meant for politics. This problem is not limited to just America. In fact, America is not the only place where women are rightfully inferior to men.

The Middle East demeans women so much that fathers sell their own virgin daughters as sex slaves. Better than going through the trouble of selling your daughter, why not just participate in female feticide? Aborting a fetus just for the pure fact that it is a female is brilliant. The Indian men sure know what they are doing. 

American women truly seem to have it easy, we are not sold or aborted as soon as our fathers find out testicles did not drop out during our mother’s painful pregnancies (the part of the curse earned by Eve because she was crazy and defiant). U.S. women just have to worry about their cracked iPhones, not letting dinner overcook, giving their man pleasure, and-if worthy enough to work-covering up their bruises in a workplace where they are still not worth an extra 23 cents. Why should they deserve less than a quarter more? Girls’ educations through grade school were justly less valuable than their boy classmates’. Schools across America form rules what girls can and cannot wear to school so the boys can have a distraction free learning environment. This proves that America’s education system rightfully favors the male education and their future success. Since women do not need an education to cook, clean, and follow requests from men, America should save money and stop sending females to school altogether. By focusing on empowering men, the world has the beautiful possibility of degrading women so much that they may finally realize that their opinion does not matter. By shutting women up and depriving them of an education, their physical appearances and their cooking skills will improve tremendously since that is all they need to focus on.

I would like to apologize to the males in this room for showing a bit of my upper thigh, and disrupting their distraction free environment. I just now realized that wearing this dress made it impossible for you to focus on the words coming out of my mouth. Not that it matters. I promise I was just rambling nonsense like the other girls' essays in here. I am not intelligent enough to put a string of words together. Words that do not even have value to anybody in this room. I know that I am more attractive when I shut up. I know that I am crazy and overly emotional. My outlooks cannot change the world, not even change the thoughts of one individual. I am sorry I was not born with a penis, because maybe then I would have sort of value, make a full dollar, and be respected. Being a woman is a disgrace.