afloat.

afloat.
adjective and adverb. floating in the water; not sinking.

i’ve had a rough semester.

the retrograde really threw me off. 
and i know some of you probably don’t believe in that, 
but i feel my soul growing. 
i feel it connecting with the universe.

and when i say the mercury retrograde really threw me off, 
i mean it literally kicked my ass. it threw me off balanced.

it made me sad. 

i was struggling.

struggling to stay treading the water.

struggling to create.

struggling to live life to the fullest.

for those of you who don't know, i got in a bad car accident august 2016. and my back has been unable to heal since.

in september of this year, i decided to get some MRIs, only to find out i have a herniated disc in my neck. so just a few days before my 21st birthday, i broke down, and realized that i had to do whatever i had to do to avoid back/spine surgery. 

in october, my uncle died in a tragic car accident. 
this opened a new wound for me, 
because not only did my dad’s younger brother leave this earth and break his heart, 
but my uncle suffered from anxiety. 

i don’t know what it is about us broken people, but we tend to have an understanding for one another.

a silent bond.

last christmas, i gave him a psithurism shirt, 
and he put it on right away. 
an act of kindness and love.

and i think the letter i wrote to go along with the shirt showed him that he wasn't alone. 

i remember writing in the letter 
"i hope you find peace, you deserve that". 

unfortunately, i don’t think he ever found peace in his soul. 
but believe me when i say his soul was great. 

he was so kind. no matter what he was going through, he kept a positive attitude, and he spread kindness to every soul he met. 
he had this motto, 

“pass on the good things that you encounter during everyday life”.

pass on positivity. pass on love. 

it saddens me to know that he will never take whatever comfort or whatever joy in that shirt i gave him this christmas season. 

or stand up for me when my family teases me for not knowing spanish. but i know that maybe, just maybe, that leaving this world delivered him the peace he never could find. 

i know this christmas will be hard for my family, but continuing to appreciate the time spent together, and passing on the good things in life, will help keep us going.

i don’t know what it is about these past few years of my life, but the waters have been staying so dark, so deep, and vicious. 

the punches keep rolling. 
i am bruised head to toe. 
my soul hurts. 

my art has been suffering from this. 
absolutely suffering and for that i am sorry.

i feel as if i’m letting people down. but i promise, 
i’m working hard to plant my garden. 
tend to my flowers. 
and find my psithurism, 
my peace 
all over again.

that’s the thing about life, darlings. 
i’m not sure life ever stops throwing punches, or the waves ever calm down. 
but you still have to plant your garden. 
you must continue to fight and grow. 

and honestly even though this semester, in better words, has fucking sucked and i’m beyond pissed off that my art has been suffering.

but when i take a step back...

when i breathe...

when i open up the damn blinds and let the light shine in...

i’m still so goddamn thankful.

for the beautiful little things that have kept me afloat. 

family.

friends.
the memories.

music.

the moon, 
how it shines so brightly in the dark sky.

love.

flowers.

life.

never stop being thankful for life. 
you’re here for a reason, darlings. 

please explore.

“wander often, wonder always”

i promise your soul, your peace, your happiness are there.
and they are all there inside of you. 
ready to bloom. 

stay patient and love yourself out of whatever pain you feel,
and watch your flowers grow.

even flowers can withstand the worst storms with the proper care.
make sure your soul, happiness, and peace are those flowers.

i love you all. i appreciate you all.

i know the holiday seasons are hard for a lot of people. 

so please, don’t feel alone. 

YOU are not alone.

YOU are loved.

YOU are worth life. 

and YOU are strong. 

xoxo.