i tried to treat this particular post like the others. not make it that personal, etc. it did not work. it was pretty much impossible to not make this personal.
i realize that you aren't really a fan of personal stuff, but you did tell me i could blog about you if i wanted to (months ago)... you never read my blogs anyways. so you'll probably never read this.
i fell in love with you.
it was basically love at first sight, except the first thing you saw of me was my ass in that dress in math class when i stood up for the pledge.
i never knew that my ass was that impressive, impressive enough for you and your friend to say the pledge of allegiance to.
i never knew i would fall in love with you, but it happened.
you gave me this love that made every day a good day, you told me i was the reason for your happiness, and that you felt on top of the world after our first kiss.
that was almost two years ago.
i'm sorry that happiness disintegrated. i'm sorry you had to figure out if you wanted to stay with me or be single with your friends who all broke up with their others. i'm sorry that that took you two months to figure out and i had no idea that that was the reason, all i knew was that you were distant, you never wanted to be close to me.
but most of all i'm sorry things never got back to normal permanently when you decided i was worth it...
we were fragile after that.
we ended up picking up the pieces six months later, i thought things were perfect...to be honest we were as perfect as a relationship could be. we gave each other our everything every day, we gave each other love and happiness. we didn't need anybody else, and our loved ones seemed to freak out about that...even their rockiness didn't crash our ship. we were invincible.
the invincible didn't last, and after the second time of you trying to figure everything out (by yourself, you never opened up), we were more fragile than the first time.
i'm sorry to say we lost too many pieces after that.
we both knew after that that we took each other for granted.. i wasn't a perfect girlfriend, you weren't a perfect boyfriend. we were unhealthy..
the split ends of a relationship.
things came crashing down after that. you never wanted to be with me, nor did you want to talk anymore. your walls got thicker.
you didn't want to try anymore, and i wanted to try too hard. i wanted to make up for your apathy, things cannot work like that. especially because my insane effort made you think i was controlling, needy, etc.
i never wanted to control you, i can't even control myself to be honest.
i just wanted us to get back to happiness.
maybe we will now, without being together.
i keep telling myself that if you are willing to let me go, i need to be willing to walk away.
it's easier said than done. i still don't quite understand why you let me go, or how you feel..
but i cannot be hung up on that. i cannot keep looking at my phone when it vibrates hoping it is you, because it never is. maybe one day it will be, but i refuse to get my hopes up.
i know we were very different. but it's not the differences that cause problems, it's the indifference.
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i know a lot of our generation would fuck around, or use a high to try to fill a void or whatever. but that's dumb...
it'd be easy to fuck around and try to forget but i really hope you respect yourself enough not to.
i hope our relationship meant more to you than that. but it's your decision. it's all yours.
in case you wonder, i'm not going to do that either.
it'd be dumb.
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i'm doing okay. of course i miss you when the song that we used to sing together comes on...the song we said we would want an apartment to represent. or when i look at the spot on my wall that is now covered with a concert picture because seeing your handwriting telling me that "even when i hate you, the love is still there" makes me remember our good times but also how there was so much more hate than love at the end...we weren't working.
it was both of our faults. i did expect a lot, i expected to be treated right every day, all day.
which is kinda what a relationship should be....but i know i didn't go about it a way that you wouldn't become defensive because of. i wasn't perfect...
just because i wasn't perfect doesn't mean that i did not (and do not) deserve to be treated with love, respect & honesty... every body does.
you do too.
maybe one day, after we better ourselves, when we know what we want, and we know how to make it work, we can try again.
but it can't be just one of us. we already saw how that went.
it has to be us both...us together.
but no matter what happens
i hope you find happiness, i really do.
it'll be okay. ("if it's not okay, it's not the end")
if you need anything, you know how to reach me.
until then
