legend of the phoenix.

legend of the phoenix.
noun. "as the legend goes- when the phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before." -d.l.

she wrote:

"I can finally breathe and look towards tomorrow. There's no looking back.And no, I'm not going to lie, the sadness won a few battles yesterday. But it's okay. Sometimes it's good to cry- let the water wash away the bad, clean the slate for a fresh start, and so that I may see clearly now.  

I'm not broken."

after that perfect last line, she scribbled a perfect quote in a perfect way.
a quote that would be the start of her new chapter.
her new life.

"she needed a hero
so she became one."

and my God, she did just that.
she became that hero.
she became a phoenix.

she resurrected from those toxic flames and yes, she is even more beautiful than before.
she became a phoenix. 

_____________________________________________________

Rachel Torres, currently age 23, is beautiful.
not in the usual way...
instead, in a way that intimidates you.
her appearance is stunning, yes... but
her mind is beautiful. her intelligence is beautiful. her soul is beautiful.
all of which are immensely strong.
she is strong.

she is intimidating.
but she is beautiful. 

although Rachel has been through hell and back enough times that she doesn't need a map anymore, she always comes back more breathtakingly gorgeous.

and when she wrote those words in her journal, they were engraved into her heart and soul.
"I'm not broken." 

no you're not, Rach. and you'll never be. because even when you may feel close to that brokeness, you will resurrect. you will always rise. 

I love you, and my God, you deserve to never feel broken again. 
even the days where you hate yourself, i'll be there to rekindle that light that you need. 
but everyone knows, you're the hero.
i'm just your sidekick. 

hide and seek.

hide and seek.
noun. song by imogen heap.

"what the hell is going on? the dust has only just begun to fall. crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling."

who knew andrea torres would get so goddamn rusty at writing? well, i guess "the dust has only just begun to fall". 

i'm dusting myself off.
i'm actually writing in my journal again.

such a little victory with such massive meaning.

hide and seek.
my God, i love this song.
listen to it here.

it makes you feel and think.
it pauses your world for a perfect, brief moment.

take that pause.
breathe.
take in those strings of odd lyrics and allow yourself to feel.

i don't know...
how is it that as children we want to win/stay hidden during hide and seek, but as you get older, you want nothing more than to be found by someone when you're hiding.

whether that someone is you, somebody you love, or maybe not a somebody at all.
maybe a something-- such as happiness, or an epiphany, or a creative flow, whatever.

when did that change? 

perhaps some of you want to stay hidden, i get that.
but don't let the darkness consume you so much that you stay hidden from the good things in life.
promise?

this blog is all over the place, i apologize.
i thought about not posting this or editing the fuck out of it, but why not let you see this dusty mess? (hot.)

soon the dust will become gold though.
promise.

you should dust yourself off too, love.

do you ever wonder why people hide from their passions? 
is it purely fear?

beat that fear. conquer it. win.

chase your dreams or passions or whatever makes your soul healthy and happy.
take that risk.
seek your light.

i know it's scary, but hiding from it will just result in a void and possibly regret. 

let your soul shine, love.

do you.
stop hiding.
find yourself. find your psithurism. 
find your passion.
seek it. find it.

i believe in you. 
you should too.

rekindle. part 2.

rekindle.
verb. relight (a fire). revive (something that has been lost).

after the car crash,
my fire went out. i was so shaken up that i couldn't feel anything but anxiety and anger. 

yes, physically, i was fine. 
but mentally and emotionally, i was not.

every time i closed my eyes when i tried to fall asleep, i got the feeling of fear and anxiety i got right before our cars impacted. 

i couldn't sleep and i couldn't write.
even writing this is the hardest thing to do right now. 

and i'm sorry. 
i'm sorry this post is going to be a little rusty.

i know my blogs help some people, and they're what the brand was built off of. 
but i lost my fire.

luckily, it's being rekindled. 
i'm relighting it.

& it may take awhile to burn as intensely as it used to, but just know i'm trying.
i'm ready for it to burn so damn brightly again.

let's take this #loveyourselfcampaign and make it worth it.

i promise i'm just getting started.

welcome back to the psithurism fire. 
welcome back to my clumsy words.

xoxo.

hands.

hands.
noun. song by jewel.

"my hands are small. i know. but they're not yours, they are my own. but they're not yours, they are my own. and i am never broken."

who would've known that a song released in 1998 (when i was just two years old) would end up sparking a lost fire inside me almost eighteen years later?

well here we are. 

(if you have not listened to this song: please do...right now. 
link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfsS3pIDBfw )

as all of you may or may not know, i've been struggling lately. 
i think it's so important that you (my audience and now possible customers) know that even though i'm up here promoting self love, and explaining that i've found my psithurism in many things now, i'm still hurting... not because hurting is something that i'm proud of, but because i need you to know that i'm human and i'm fighting the fight with you. i'm fighting my demons. 

anxiety is still a thing, and lately blogging has been almost impossible for me.
the last post, iris, took a lot out of me. 

i am not angry about that, because that piece meant so much to me.
but i am angry that i've been struggling with writer's block again.

in simple terms: life has been testing me.

i have felt a sense of heart break, stress, anger, exhaustion, anxiety, and depression in an abundance since that last post.

i have felt a huge wall between me/my soul and my emotions.
i'm hurting but it's like something inside of me won't let me be free. 

and i know that betrayal and criticism from others has enhanced that blockage. 
criticism from myself has as well.

and it wasn't until the other day where i forced myself to feel that i realized that.
the song that helped me lower that wall was hands by jewel.

the first verse is breathtakingly beautiful.

"if i could tell the world just one thing, it would be: we're all okay.
and not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
i won't be made useless, i won't be idled with despair.
i will gather myself around my faith--for light does the darkness most fear."

we're all okay. even if we aren't right now, we will be eventually. trust in that. trust in your soul. trust in your journey. 

i know how hard it is to keep striving for happiness, but it's so fucking important. 

don't be made useless. don't be idled with despair. 
find your light, find your psithurism.

________________________________________________________________


my hands are small. 
almost oddly small, but it is okay.

because even though i may not be able to hold a large amount of items, i can write a poem that frees souls. i can type my blogs that help people realize they aren't alone. i can gently wipe tears. i can hold another's hand. i can touch. i can feel. and i can create. 

so even though i still struggle with my demons. even though i wake up losing the fight somedays...

i am never broken. 

and neither are you.

iris.

iris.
noun. the colored part of your eye.

"and i'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause i know that you feel me somehow..." -iris//the goo goo dolls

this is not a story of star-crossed lovers...
because their love was anything but doomed.

this is not a story of a soul that couldn't be saved...
because his soul was saved by her love, and her soul was saved by his.

this is not a story about many things but... 

this is a story of eternal love, sadness, a moment of weakness, and immense strength.

________

have you ever looked somebody in the eye and simply felt it?
of course that feeling is never truly simple...but somehow the color of their iris burns in your soul.

imagine seeing the person you irrevocably love, imagine looking at their eyes...and how their eyes somehow become your favorite color, imagine looking into them every single day for six years.

now imagine never being able to do that again.

________

it all began in november 2009. 
lucy and alonzo's relationship started to grow from a simple look, to catching feelings, to something more.

like any relationship, there were many ups and downs...but they did not let the downs keep them apart. instead, they let the lows strengthen their golden tie together.

the other's brown eyes became their favorite thing to catch... their comfort...their happiness.

my god, did they make each other happy. 
my god, did they make each other laugh.

my god, did they love each other.
and that love was so close to perfect.

but of course, perfect is so blurry sometimes.

________

fast forward to 2016.

lucy and alonzo are still madly in love, incredibly happy, and honestly a fitness power couple.

they have experienced many milestones together throughout these six years. 
not to mention, living together most of the years.
they are happy.

but sometimes happiness doesn't stem from multiple origins. sometimes it stems only from a few origins that are so fucking precious.
...and sometimes, people let their demons conquer their happiness.

like everybody, alonzo was taunted by his demons. like everybody, he fought them every single day.
like everybody, alonzo had a moment of weakness.

you see, sometimes demons hit you right in your "achilles heel", because more often than not, they are your achilles heel.

alonzo was not weak (anybody who ever looked at him knew this). he was physically, mentally, and emotionally incredibly strong.
he had (and still has) an invincible support system.

but his moment of weakness was different.
his moment of weakness ended his demons once and for all.
and his moment of weakness unintentionally created heartache and pain in that exact support system...

especially the unbearable heartache for the girl who had loved him for six years, for the girl who found comfort and love within his soul, his eyes, his touch, his presence.

________

on an immeasurably sad, thursday, april morning, alonzo was found dead.

________

his memory. his love. his laugh. his smile. he, in general, will live on in his loved ones hearts forever.

________

lucy loved alonzo. 
and she always will.
________

lucy is incredibly strong.
the immense strength of her heart, soul, and love from her support system keeps her going.

and even though she'd "give up forever to touch him", the motivation (to do one set, one more squat, one more day) that his love once instilled within her, will keep her going.

________

rest easy, alonzo.
09.17.96-04.28.16









please know that you are loved, you are important, and you are worth it.
your life is worth it.
national suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 

cover letter.

cover letter.
noun. a letter sent with, and explaining the contents of, another document or parcel of goods.

earlier this year, i applied for a student photographer work study. as you guys know, photography has grown to be a huge passion in my life. i love the idea that although i cannot pause a moment, i can capture it.

with the application, i had to send in a cover letter.

i fell in love with this cover letter.
however, the employer did not.

this is the cover letter that didn't get me the job:

Mr. -------------------------------,

my favorite song is Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac. Why would I tell you that? There’s a line in that song that says “back to the floor that I love, to a room with some lace and paper flowers”—which Stevie Nicks wrote to reminisce on her humble, poor beginnings. Now not everybody can paint a picture with a melody and words strung together like Stevie Nicks, but I can still paint that picture. Instead of using a melody and words, I use my camera to capture that moment that some individuals will go “back to the floor that they love” while looking at.

Being a military child, I have grown up cherishing photographs more than others. The constant change has made me appreciate looking at pictures and how things were in that particular moment. Moments and people can change, but moments captured in film have the potential to last forever. That familiarity and simple joy that you get while looking at photographs is what I love.

Art is everywhere in the world, especially on this incredible campus, and art is meant to be appreciated. With my personality, skills, and camera, I have the potential to help evolve your photography and capture the immense beauty the University of Kansas provides. 

Thank you for this huge opportunity.

I hope you will look at my photos and resume and consider me as your future employee. 

Thank you,

Andrea Torres

___________________________________________________________

this letter was more than just a cover letter. in a cliche sort of way, it felt like a huge piece of me. and i think others can relate to this, not because they are applying for a new job or whatever, but because that familiar "floor that i love, a room with some lace and paper flowers" lives in everybody's hearts.

also...maybe don't be so creative in cover letters...

but then again, i don't regret this at all.

creating this brightened up my soul a little bit. and that's worth not getting the job over.

there isn't much of a point to this blog post, but i guess just remember that your soul has to be some kind of top priority to you.

take care of yourself and fill yourself up with love...

because even if others (including employers) cannot see it, your beautiful soul is meant to shine.

endurance.

endurance.
noun. the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; especially: the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity.


nobody ever promised you that life would be easy. nobody ever promised you that life would be fair...but even without those promises, you still weren't prepared for how much pain you could feel. 

you hurt mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.
and even if that pain isn't constant, it still takes a huge toll on you.

everybody feels that pain...
you are not alone.

but even that fact doesn't make pain any easier.

the mental pain you feel when you know you're going to fail that test, or when your life doesn't make any sense...

the physical pain you feel when you're trying to lose that weight...or when that broken heart hurts your chest....

the spiritual pain when you're trying to find hope, faith, a reason...

and that emotional pain when you can't stand the person you see in the mirror..or when somebody betrays your trust..

all pains--mental, physical, emotional, spiritual--hurt you in more than just one way. all pains are valid..and all pains can seem so awful that you wish you could just end it.

but you must keep going.

that is the hardest part--to keep going. you cannot let life just keep you down, even when you are hurting. 

you must endure, and endure, and endure. 

no matter how hard life gets, no matter how tired you are, you have to nourish yourself with love and remember that tomorrow could be better. and if tomorrow isn't better, keep going. eventually, it will be better. 

each day that you endure, each day that you love yourself--makes you that much stronger. 

building yourself up, allowing yourself to grow is so important. 

water your self love flower, make your soil a healthy environment to grow in, and give yourself that sun. you deserve that healthy environment and that light that life can offer if you let it. you deserve to grow into whatever you want to be. 

__________________________________________________________________

josh hall is a 21 year old, college athlete. 
josh runs cross country and track and is incredibly successful...but he has recently announced that he has been suffering from depression for awhile now. 

he deals with it daily, and he channels all that negative energy into running. 

i think that is what has made him so successful. that passion, that energy being focused into going a little faster, or a little bit longer has shaped an outstanding athlete. 

josh has the biggest heart, and anybody who has met josh would be surprised that he battles depression because he doesn't let it take over his life. 
he tries his best to be a positive person and he cares so much. 

josh has endured many pains (injuries, heartbreaks, depression, etc.) but still decides to grow. 

i asked josh what endurance meant to him and he said the following:

"endurance is a combination of survival and growth. it's all about seeing how much farther you can push yourself when you feel you're at your weakest - whether it be a physical, emotional, or spiritual low point. if you can endure, there's no storm you can't withstand." - josh hall

josh deserves to love himself everyday...and so do you. 

please know that you don't have to be an outstanding athlete, or student, or something super impressive. because no matter what, you are art. 

you are worth it. you deserve the best. you deserve to grow. you deserve happiness. all i'm saying is channel you energy into something beautiful. maybe run that extra mile, or write that poem, or read that book, or paint that picture...do whatever makes your soul, mind, heart, whole being happy.

because even when life fucking sucks...

you must endure, and endure, and endure. 

anger.

anger.
noun. a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

"she's angry, she's always angry. it's the only way she can feel sad and strong at the same time."

i've been sitting down staring at this screen with my cold eyes for so damn long...
there are so many lines of words stringing along my brain, creating a tangled mess.

it's like i'm so angry, so hurt, such a mess, that words don't flow as smoothly.

and it is so hard for me to accept that...
to accept that i have all this anger within my soul because of a broken heart, an abundance of sadness.

and it's even more upsetting that those feelings are messing with my ability to write.

i hate being angry.
but it's the only way that i can feel strong. 

i know those who care want me to be happy, i know that he wants me to be happy and he's probably cussing at me in spanish up in heaven to put a damn smile on my face. 

but it's just one more thing that would suck the energy out of me--trying to be happy.

i never want people to look at me and say that i am broken or depressed or looking for attention.

because i'm not defined by broken or depressed. and i sure as hell am not looking for attention.

people go through anger and sadness every day... and it does not define them. it is not an inconvenience to the outside world, it is their own inconvenience and their own fight.

nothing sucks more than waking up sad. nothing sucks more than hating yourself. nobody deserves that. 

that is why i decided to make psithurism. a brand, a shirt, a tangible item. 
everybody can touch it, everybody deserves it.

the constant fight, the constant decision to love yourself every day is the most crucial fight of them all.

self love is a movement.
self love does deserve to be spread. 

because even with anger, sadness, depression, anxiety, happiness, or even other people loving you, it is YOU who has to make that decision every day. 

nobody else.

even when you're the angry, depressing, sad, broken person you see in the mirror--you deserve self love. 

so let yourself feel sad. let yourself feel happy. let yourself feel whatever the fuck you're feeling...but always make that decision to love yourself. always let yourself feel that love. 

phoenix.

phoenix.
noun. a unique bird that lived for five or six centuries in the Arabian desert, after this time burning itself on a funeral pyre and rising from the ashes with renewed youth to live through another cycle.

the legend of the phoenix has always been fascinating. 
it burns to ashes and then rises. 

i like to think of life kinda like that. life constantly sets people on fire. everywhere you turn you can find so many negativities with the world. broken hearts, anger, sadness, violence, frustration, hopelessness is everywhere. nevertheless, you cannot let yourself stay in ash form--all burnt out, barely tangible. 

you must rise.
__________________________________________

"as the legend goes- when the phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before." -d. laporte