unraveling.

me: hi, my name is andrea and i fucking suck at blogging regularly.

you all: hi andrea

~~~
unraveling.
verb. to diesengage or separate the threads of

sorry, darlings. 
i know it's been awhile but i refuse to keep apologizing for this.

so i'm changing 'sorry' into:
thank you.

thank you for waiting for me to write again. 
thank you for being patient. 
thank you accepting me and following me on this journey.

thank you feels better, and i know i don't owe you guys anything.
but creators kinda always feel like they do.

but i do want you to always know that i am here.
even when i'm not active.

i've been meditating like crazy.
there's been some darkness in my soul that i could not sort out.

sadness. anger. hatred.
hatred for the president.
hatred for racism, sexism, etc. 

hatred for the pain the accident has been putting me through. 
hatred for the pain i have allowed others to make me feel.
hatred for negativity.
hatred for hate. 

sadness and anger for 
heartbreak. 
for death.
for sadness and anger.
for confusion.
for holding on.

i hate holding on to negativity.
i hate feeling hate.
i hate feeling angry.


but you know, all those feelings are valid. 
i think we all should acknowledge our hatred, but we need to release it. 
we need to release any sort of negative feeling/emotion. be patient with yourself. but release it.
don't hold on. it's toxic. it hurts more. it hurts you. your soul. your heart. your mind. your being.

love.
celebrate.
accept. 
breathe.

but you know what's been bothering me the most?
i can't write. 
i couldn't write.

i don't even know if i'm doing this right anymore. 
but to be honest, i don't think there is a right way.
i keep seeing bloggers blog every week, sometimes twice. 
so why can't i?
i've been stuck.
caged and locked.

and my soul doesn't belong stuck.
no soul does.

so:

i've been meditating a lot.
to let go of all the negativity, mostly.
to heal.
to love.
to see.
to hear.
to be. 

to unravel.
why can't i write anymore? 
why haven't i forced myself?

this summer i focused on that. 
because i crave it.
i miss it.
i need it.

and that's when i reached the core of it. 
after months and months.

{in starbucks trying not to cry because this still hits me}

the core of it:
i have been scared.

scared of judgment.
scared of reliving.
scared of feeling.
scared of recreating.

i'm not ashamed of anything.
i've been struggling, sure, and searching for fulfillment.
whatever that means.

i spent my summer in new mexico.
without my parents or sister.
but amongst a lot of love from familia. 

amongst past pains {verbal sexual harassment}, 
amongst dreams {art},
amongst stars {the clearest skies}.

amongst revelation. 
breathing, being, experiencing, releasing, being again.

amongst more love.

i looked up at the skies a lot this summer.
the stars guide me. feel me. love me. 
love us. they shine so brightly. they are so beautiful.

(and every time i felt discouraged, i looked up and remembered memories i haven't danced across for awhile. my dad always stops in new mexico before we drive somewhere new. and we (dad, mom, sister, and i) all just kinda look up for awhile. we admire the stars. the vastness and clearness of the land of enchantment. of our roots. those are the memories dear to my heart. i can feel it and in those moments of discouragement i felt their presence, their souls, their love.)

i breathed the fresh mountain air.
i focused.
i grew. 

i learned to love who i was again. 
especially the skin i was in.
i had to forgive myself for the big breasts that seem to magnetize unforgiving eyes and quivering thoughts.  i had to remind myself that i am not my skin, but much more than that. even if some can't see that. 

i had to remind myself that the brightness and beauty of my soul will heal the pain that the physical body has caused. 

i remembered that my soul's makeup will always shine brighter than any pain.

i was made by god and neurons and science and stars
and pure love.

i was made by my past lives and the current one that my two loving parents created with love.
and continued to shape with support
and adventures
and laughs
and tears
and hugs
and literature
and art
and travel
but always, always, always, with love.

i am made by my personal connections.
my wanders and wonders,
and poetry.

poetry of others.
but most importantly my own.

so that is why it pains me when i personally lock my soul into a cage without words.
without my words.

honestly my emotions and revelations have been huge.
an abundance.
maybe so much that words couldn't capture them the way i wanted them to.
i was annoyed. 

but then i remembered to simply try.
to begin again.
to unravel.
to rekindle.

i'm really going to do this. 
it's going to happen. 
it is happening. 

so please,
forgive me.
and join me.
for lot's of clumsy sentences,
and words.
and songs.
and art.
and a book?

i'm not as scared anymore. 
i'm brave.
and i'm ready. 

for love. life. 
and my words.

hope you are too.
because life isn't always fair.
life is life.
and the universe gives you what you need.
and sometimes the pain you're experiencing is needed
for growth, learning, love, balance.

open your damn eyes, minds, and hearts.
the universe is talking to you, and me, and her, and him, and them, and us. 
everyone.

so feel it. breathe it. be it. love it. you'll find your fire. your psithurism. your soul.

as i've been meditating and letting the negativity be traced and felt and released.
i found courage and a fire in my bones that i've needed for so long.

the fire is back.
and so am i.

welcome to my wild, wild world.

all.

All Are Real. All Are Beautiful.

Dear Jann Parish,

the CMO of Victoria’s Secret,

The Problem

I am a photographer. But before that, I was in front of the camera: a model. Not like an actual, signed model, but I have and still do model for photographers. I have a large portfolio for not being signed and have thought about seeking another agency to get signed. Key word: another. I met with a modeling agency, got interviewed, and eventually was asked to sign with them. As the owner of the agency was telling me that he wanted me to sign with them, he was repeatedly telling me that I was very short and other agencies wouldn’t sign me because of my height. Despite that comment being rude, he was right. My height was always going to be an issue. Most women models are 5’8” or taller. Me being at 5’2” was clearly noticeable and will always be an obstacle for me in the modeling world. I ended up not signing with him because he was incredibly creepy. I had a bad feeling like if I signed with him, he would take advantage of me or eventually force me to do things I would not be comfortable with. On top of that, I didn’t sign with him because I wanted to sign with an agency that was supportive of my height, not an agency that dangled it in front of me as a trap, to make me feel stuck with them. I wanted an agency that embraced my differences. Do those even exist?

The photographers who ask me to model are brave. I’m Hispanic, I’m short, I have big breasts, and thick legs. I am not super skinny, and my muscles are not lean. The photographers who photograph me embrace my differences, my curves, and my soul. And I am grateful for them for doing just that. I once approached a famous photographer from where I graduated high school. He photographed one of my best friends who also models. She is gorgeous. She has a small waist, smaller breasts, and a thigh gap. His photos are always gorgeous and the ones of her were incredible. I asked him if he would want to work together sometime. He said no. Later I was talking to my friend who he photographed about it. I explained how it hurt my feelings that he didn’t want to work with me but that it was okay. I accepted it. She later explained that he had told her that he doesn’t work with models with big breasts. That he feels they look too pornographic. 

I have countless of other personal stories just like that. But the longer I was modeling, the more I paid attention to society’s models, especially the ones of big companies. I have a certain taste in fashion and I will support the brands that I love, despite them sometimes only portraying the models inside the “norms”. However, it does pleasantly surprise me when brands actually show different sizes, different shapes, and different ethnicities and races in the clothing items. It makes me want to buy their products more than companies that don’t show different sizes. A hint for you: I believe that if a company showed different shaped and sized models in an item of clothing, that they would sell more. Why? If I see a girl with small breasts in a swimsuit I’m interested in, I don’t know how it’d fit me. However, if I see a girl with bigger breasts in a swimsuit, and that swimsuit covers what I want covered, I’m hitting that buy-button so fast. Women want to know how a clothing item is going to fit and look on them. 

Validating My Problem

To make sure I wasn’t complaining simply because my big breasts can turn any outfit into a scandal or hit my face when I jump, I conducted one survey and one Instagram poll. 

My survey consisted of four questions: 

1.    Are you a woman?

2.    How old are you?

3.    Do you wish there was a more diverse pool of models? Examples: different heights, sizes, races and ethnicities, bra sizes etc.

4.    Would it be helpful if companies showed diverse models in an item of clothing? Example: A swimsuit. A model with size A cup, a model with size B, a model with size C, etc. 

Twenty-nine women responded to this poll. Their ages ranged from 18 to 40+. The results of this survey supported my problem and hypothesis: women want to know how a clothing item is going to fit and look on them. 

The results from question number three and four can be seen below:

About 93 percent said they wish there was a more diverse pool of models. Almost one-hundred percent answered yes to number four, showing that it would in fact be helpful if companies could show different bra-sized women in clothing items.

My Instagram poll proves that brands, like Victoria’s Secret, that only show models with the “perfect model bodies” can make women become more self-conscious about their bodies.

If I had a larger following, I’m sure I could get more responses. Honestly, I’m guessing a lot more women feel this way, especially my big-boobie committee (that’s right, we wanted a committee too). Why have very few companies (i.e. Aerie by American Eagle, Dove, Nike) decide to start including diverse body-types in their advertising, social media, and/or websites? I feel like our (women’s) cry for body-positivity has been an uproar? 

Do you hear it? 

Are you even listening? 

Please don’t get me wrong, I love Victoria’s Secret. I love how even though the models are all extremely tall and thin, that they are beautiful inside, as well as out. They speak up on women’s rights, equality, love, politics, sports, and other important, diverse topics. I love how they all seem like they have good hearts. I love how Victoria’s Secret has different races and ethnicities. I love it. But, why can’t you include different sizes? 

Are you embarrassed of breasts that sag a little bit? Are you embarrassed of stretch marks and cellulite? Are you embarrassed of rolls and scars? 

The media being embarrassed has in turn made girls embarrassed of their own bodies. Their real bodies. Their beautiful bodies. Let’s take a look at how media usually represents women. 

Representation of Women in Media

As you probably know, media has developed unrealistic expectations for women. From sexualizing the women body so much that Carl’s Jr. makes it look like women can reach their best orgasm eating their burgers or fish sandwiches, to smoothing out every detail in their skin so they look wrapped in plastic. It’s not fantastic. These unrealistic expectations have hurt people, including the models in those photos. 

Ashley Graham spoke out in her TedTalk, “I was never going to fit the narrow mold that society wanted me to fit in. I was never going to be perfect enough for an industry that defines perfection from the outside in.”

Cara Delevingne’s modeling career made her battle with depression so hard she developed psoriasis. She states in her Motivation Madness interview that modeling “wasn’t nice” and that “you’re constantly told that you’re not pretty enough, and not tall enough, and not skinny enough.” 

These expectations are affecting women’s body image negatively and creating self-confidence issues. 

Body Image Issues

This is the last topic I want to discuss with you. Growing up five-foot has not been easy. Growing up short and muscular has not been easy. Growing up short, muscular, no thigh gap, size 32-double-d and bigger arms has not been easy. But, why hasn’t it been easy? Because, Victoria’s Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, Free People, Urban Outfitters, etc. have been showing me society’s idea of beautiful my whole life. And society’s idea of beautiful is not me. It is five-foot-nine, with a thigh gap, size B cup size, bronzed and flawless skin, and a 22-inch waist. The opposite of me. I am 21-years-old, and I struggle with my body image, but I am not alone. 

Jean Kilbourne from Harvard wrote an article about ‘Advertising’s toxic effect on eating and body image’. In the article, Kilbourne explains that, “the average American encounters 3,000 advertisements every day, and spends a total of two years watching TV commercials in their lifetime. At the center of many of these ads is an image of idealized female beauty. Models are tall, slim, and light skinned, and digitally altered to ever-more unrealistic proportions. Women and girls compare themselves to these images every day, and failure to live up to them is inevitable because they are based on a flawlessness that doesn’t exist.”

A 32DD’s Advice to You

Have I convinced you yet? 

Are you ready to step up and help women of all ages realize that they are beautiful? 

When you’re casting your next Victoria’s Secret show, or your next photoshoot, or simply debating whether or not to photoshop that stretch mark, remember:

All body-types are real. All body-types are beautiful.

Please listen to the people. It just might increase your sales. 

Sincerely,

Drea Torres

Kilbourne, J. (Kilbourne, n.d.). Advertising’s toxic effect on eating and body image. Harvard. Retrieved on July 27, 2018, from https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/features/advertisings-toxic-effect-on-eating-and-body-image/

Delevingne, C. (April 2018). Youtube. Retrieved on July 27, 2018, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfvYlWG1cA0

Graham, A. (May 2015). Youtube. Retrieved on July 27, 2018 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAgawjzimjc

Victoria’s Secret. (May 2018). Youtube. Retrieved on July 27, 2018 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkS_ZR1NR-o

Aerie. Youtube. Retrieved on July 27, 2018 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJ6wwJ6Qaf4

baby blue.

baby blue.
noun. his eyes. his aura. his soul.

i wanted to wait to write this blog. give myself a little time to heal. the thing is. i'm not sure i'll heal completely from this. bear will always be a huge part of our family. a huge part of our hearts. 

a family of five, back to four. 

on march 9, 2018, we had to put down our baby blue eyes. our baby boy. our brother bear. 

i know that many of you didn't know bear, or even like dogs. and simply cannot relate to this. i know that some of you are probably not gonna read this. or even care. but this is my blog. and this is my healing process. a process that i have to be honest with. a process that i welcome you to be on with me. a process that many of you understand. 

bear was the best dog ever. we rescued him when we lived in california. my dad always promised rachel, my sister, and me a dog. but he always said "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog." boy, was he right.

we went to husky haven on april 12, 2010. we were looking at a different dog, named snow or snowball, i forget the name. snow was cute. snow was also very small. if we could've gotten two dogs, maybe we would've considered snow (to be honest, if it was possible to adopt every dog in the world, i would try). but out of the corner of our eyes, we saw this big dog jumping. like he was trying to get our attention. my sister said, "that's my dog."

we asked the lady if we could see that dog. the jumping dog. and rhonda said, "I don't know...that's a big dog". 

but my dad always said, "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog." 

so she led this beautiful, majestic puppy into the area we were in. he took off running. and he jumped on me. he put his paws on my shoulders and scared the living fuck out of me and my mom. but there was nothing to be afraid of. he was so friendly. he was just giving me a big hug. a bear hug. 

he made his rounds and hugged each and every one of us. he picked us. and we brought him to his new home. his forever home.

here's what he looked like the day we adopted him:

as rachel has said, we're not sure who rescued who. but honestly, we know that bear definitely rescued us. he completed our family. he fit in with his sarcastic personality, that was secretly overflowing with love. 

he loved his walks. he loved chicken. he loved enrique inglesias' song hero (he would howl to it every time)...

and he loved his family. 

every time one of us was crying, he'd give up his comfort of his favorite spots, and come sit by us. 

after my accident, he slept by me the whole night and tried to heal my banged-up/bruised legs with his kisses. 

and all i know is that it kills me that we couldn't heal him. 

at the young age of eight (almost nine), cancer attacked him. 

we found out about the cancer two months ago. and within two months, our perfectly healthy and active puppy was basically deteriorating in front of our eyes. 

and we couldn't do anything about it. it wasn't curable. it was too aggressive.

the people that rhonda (husky haven) saved bear from, claimed he was "too much dog" and "aggressive" when they abandoned him at the pound. 

what they didn't know is that he was only aggressive because they abused him, something that we had to help him to heal from and had to prove our trust with. 

and maybe he was a big dog, 
but he also had the biggest heart. 

i will forever be grateful that bear chose us. that he taught us a different kind of love. a different kind of life: a better life. he really did make our lives so beautiful. 

his soul was so beautiful...
is so beautiful. 

i know that his soul is still with us. 
and will especially be present when the snow falls to the ground again. his favorite weather.

on march 9, 2018, we helped bear to his favorite corner of the backyard. 

on march 9, 2018, we gave bear so much love. as much love as we possibly could. but we also knew that bear enjoyed his space. so we gave him some of that too.

on march 9, 2018, it was his last day.

around 3:30 p.m., we helped bear into the car, something he used to easily jump in, then needed all of our help due to his failing legs. 

we drove to the vet with tears in our eyes and sadness in our hearts. 

on march 9, 2018, we had to say goodbye to our best friend.

we made sure that he wasn't alone. we all sat there, sadness pouring down our faces. petting him and letting him know that the pain was over. that we loved him. that he was so handsome. and that he was a good boy. 

it's so hard to talk about. 
it's so hard to remember.

i'll forever miss my favorite shade of baby blue, his presence here on earth, and his bear hugs. 

we gave him a good life. and he returned that and then some.

to be completely honest, i am not sure how to end this on a happy note. as i sit here letting the sadness exit my eyes. 

but i guess i can end it with this fact:
life is full of obstacles.
life is not always fair.
life can really fucking suck.

but life is also so beautiful.
so
love others.
love creatures.
love nature.
love yourself.
love life.

whatever you do,
promise to love.
it truly adds the best colors to life.

trust me.

fly high, our little angel pup.