struggles.

struggles.
noun. a determined effort under difficulties.


senior year is supposed to be the greatest year of high school. for some this is the case...for others it is not. to be completely honest, this has been my favorite year of high school. freshman year i was verbally sexually harassed to an unreal level and i firmly believe i went through a deep depression, sophomore year i was trying to get over my freshman year and i was doing quite well until my hip prohibited me from playing the sport i love most, junior year was so stressful that everybody literally went bat shit crazy and could not handle anything because of all the pressure the school and society was putting on us, and now i can thankfully say that senior year i have not been stressed from school, and not even work. i can say that i am truly happy about how far i have come (especially since i have worked on viewing the world positively). but as i look around me, i notice how miserable some of my peers still are.


we are all struggling.
some struggle with depression, other with their anger, or anxiety, or insecurity, or recklessness, etc etc. it can be anything.
personally, i struggle with balance. i am very emotional. i try to hold a lot of it back. but i think that is what caused this unbalanced. freshman year i held in all of my sadness, anger, etc. so much and i didn't cry for 8 months. that is so unhealthy. and i think holding everything in messed with me in a way that will definitely take awhile to heal/fix. and you know what, this struggle sucks. but i also understand that it is something i need to go through.

the truth is, everybody is struggling. there is not one human being that does not struggle. struggling, being a hot mess, goes with being human. nobody truly has their shit fully together.

as i grow older, i began to be aware that even adults are nowhere near having their shit together entirely. and that is perfectly okay. if somebody had their shit together entirely, there would be no reason to live. life is all about experiencing new things, living life to the fullest, and enjoying the little things. if everything was perfect: there wouldn't be a need to experience new things, or try to improve yourself, and you wouldn't enjoy the little things because you would never go through bad shit to make you appreciate the good things more.

i really hope you are understanding what i am saying...and maybe you don't. because to be honest, i don't understand my thoughts a good portion of the time. they are all over the place, and so are my emotions and i can try my hardest to be perfect: cool, calm, collected 100% of the time. but that would be boring.

it is so healthy to feel excitement, and love, and passion, and anger, and sadness, and everything in between.
but like everything in life, we need to try to find balance. we need to concentrate more on the good, and less on the bad.

it makes me so sad to see us struggle so much, and i wish i could help everybody...but ultimately "the only person who can save you is yourself"...and the struggle is just something that everybody goes through. we just have to work for it... and we have to support those who we care about when they are struggling too. always remember that you are not alone, and that those who love you will help you get through this.
just don't give up. and if you need to cry, or paint, or write, or create, or sweat, or sing, or dance, or whatever healthy & good for your soul to help  you get through this: do not be ashamed, do not be embarrassed. "whatever's good for your soul, do that."


here is some of my favorite quotes for different struggles that might help you...


for sadness/tears: 

"Do not tell me
that crying is a
sign of weakness.

If I can use water
to keep my body
free from dirt,

then I can also
shed tears to
remove the burden
from my soul."

for feeling like you cannot create:

"Nobody will stop you from creating.
Do it tonight. Do it tomorrow. That
is the way to make your soul grow -
whether there is a market for it or not!
The kick of creation is the act of
creating, not anything that happens
afterward. I would tell all of you
watching this screen: Before you go to
bed, write a four line poem. Make it as
good as you can. Don't show it to
anybody. Put it where nobody will find
it. And you will discover that you have
your reward." -kurt vonnegut

for feeling hopeless/sad/unforgivable:

"Forgive yourself
each night, and
recommit every
morning."

for feeling angry:

"Holding onto anger is
like drinking poison
and expecting the
other person to die." -buddha

"Anger makes and reveals character."

for all types of feelings:

"Stop worring.
Stop getting angry at things that aren't worth the energy you put into staying angry.
Take a shower.
Take five showers.
Hell, take ten showers if you want to.
Stay in bed all day and do 'nothing'.
Watch shitty romantic movies and cry your
heart out.
Stay outside all day.
Wake up in the morning with the determination
to fall in love with your city all over again.
Find quiet cafes and independent book stores
that you've never come across before.
Pretend you're a tourist and take photographs.
Stay out all night.
Do things.
Take care of yourself.
Breathe."

just remember that you're not alone. 
& with the right mindset, life has the potential to be incredible.
you are worth it. remember that. 
I promise.

anxiety.

anxiety
(noun) a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent or something with an uncertain outcome.

Anxiety sucks. It literally feels like your heart is about to give out. Your heart beats so fast, and you try to control your breathing and slow everything down, but you just feel it building up and up. Your eyesight gets all blurry and all you can do is try to calm down. Majority of the time, you cannot calm down. You just have to deal with it until it passes.

I used to get anxiety a lot. It got so bad that I had to leave class and go to the nurse because it literally took total control of me and my body couldn't handle it...so I just sat and cried in a dark room. That was a bad moment in my life. I hate not having control, especially over my own self.

Running and working out definitely help anxiety. That is why when I got injured, and running/working out was not an option anymore, my anxiety heightened. Since I could not work out, I had to find a new release, a new solution.

I'm not into smoking, any substance, due to my extreme health-freak mind set. So I found safe, healthy alternatives. Music and sketching.

Choir helped me so much. More than I could ever explain. And having that 3rd hour, the middle of the day, every school day, was the perfect break for school. (I know I quit choir, and some days I feel as if I made a mistake, but it had to be done. But even though I quit, my respect for Reinsche and Graf remain so high. I will write them a thank you letter one day. That I can promise you).

Sketching is also such a huge help. It let me concentrate on one thing. It lets you be in control of that one thing.

But even those two solutions are amazing, the one thing that helps anxiety the best is a great support system.

(Quick notes to my personal support system)

To my parents, thank you for understanding that anxiety is not just a teenage freak out session. Thank you for letting me cry and not forcing me to tell you what was wrong. I promise you, the times I did not tell you what was wrong was because I could not pinpoint the problem, not because I don't trust you...  I promise I do. You guys are the best parents in the world.

To my sister, Rachel, thank you for listening to me cry when I needed to just cry. Thank you for listening to me when I know I made no sense between my sobs. Thank you for reassuring me that us Torres girls are so strong, that we can get through anything. Thank you for being such an amazing sister, and brushing me off every time I hit rock bottom. But most importantly, thank you for helping me get back up.

I don't think I thank you or mom&dad enough, so if you read this... just know how thankful I am that I have been blessed with the best family in the world, who I love so dearly.

To my friends, thank you for sticking by my side as I underwent all this mental obstacles. You who have stayed through it all deserve best friend medals. I hope I am as great as friends as y'all are.. I promise you that I at least try my absolute best to be.

And last, but not least, thank you Bear for being the most adorable, handsome, puppy in the world. The rare times you life your head to lick my hand shows how much you care. At least for a split second. Haha, (anybody who knows Bear will find this humorous and true). I love you puppy. You are growing up so fast :').

Back to the point of this post...

The point of this post was partly to relieve some stress, partly to thank my support system, but also because I want whoever reading this to know that anxiety can be overcame. You just have to find the right solutions for you. I promise you that if you ever feel hopeless or super anxious, do not hesitate to ask. I'll do my best to help you. 

intro.

psithurism

(noun) the sound of the wind through trees

with everything going on in my life, and myself growing older, i decided to create a new blog. my other blog, truestory, is truly a great blog, but i needed something new. change is a constant factor in my life, and this is one of those things that I have set my mind in changing.

you are probably wondering why the hell i would name my blog psithurism...

the sound of the wind is honest. the sound of the wind through trees never tries to be anything else, it is purely psithurism. and even in the most intense storm, it is calm. that will explain my url. 

this blog will be the calm in the storm. the calm of your mind, heart, and soul.
find your calm.
find your psithurism.

i hereby promise you that my blog will never try to be anything else but my authentic feelings, thoughts, and words...purely andrea. 

take what you want from this. 

ready.set.go.