unraveling.

me: hi, my name is andrea and i fucking suck at blogging regularly.

you all: hi andrea

~~~
unraveling.
verb. to diesengage or separate the threads of

sorry, darlings. 
i know it's been awhile but i refuse to keep apologizing for this.

so i'm changing 'sorry' into:
thank you.

thank you for waiting for me to write again. 
thank you for being patient. 
thank you accepting me and following me on this journey.

thank you feels better, and i know i don't owe you guys anything.
but creators kinda always feel like they do.

but i do want you to always know that i am here.
even when i'm not active.

i've been meditating like crazy.
there's been some darkness in my soul that i could not sort out.

sadness. anger. hatred.
hatred for the president.
hatred for racism, sexism, etc. 

hatred for the pain the accident has been putting me through. 
hatred for the pain i have allowed others to make me feel.
hatred for negativity.
hatred for hate. 

sadness and anger for 
heartbreak. 
for death.
for sadness and anger.
for confusion.
for holding on.

i hate holding on to negativity.
i hate feeling hate.
i hate feeling angry.


but you know, all those feelings are valid. 
i think we all should acknowledge our hatred, but we need to release it. 
we need to release any sort of negative feeling/emotion. be patient with yourself. but release it.
don't hold on. it's toxic. it hurts more. it hurts you. your soul. your heart. your mind. your being.

love.
celebrate.
accept. 
breathe.

but you know what's been bothering me the most?
i can't write. 
i couldn't write.

i don't even know if i'm doing this right anymore. 
but to be honest, i don't think there is a right way.
i keep seeing bloggers blog every week, sometimes twice. 
so why can't i?
i've been stuck.
caged and locked.

and my soul doesn't belong stuck.
no soul does.

so:

i've been meditating a lot.
to let go of all the negativity, mostly.
to heal.
to love.
to see.
to hear.
to be. 

to unravel.
why can't i write anymore? 
why haven't i forced myself?

this summer i focused on that. 
because i crave it.
i miss it.
i need it.

and that's when i reached the core of it. 
after months and months.

{in starbucks trying not to cry because this still hits me}

the core of it:
i have been scared.

scared of judgment.
scared of reliving.
scared of feeling.
scared of recreating.

i'm not ashamed of anything.
i've been struggling, sure, and searching for fulfillment.
whatever that means.

i spent my summer in new mexico.
without my parents or sister.
but amongst a lot of love from familia. 

amongst past pains {verbal sexual harassment}, 
amongst dreams {art},
amongst stars {the clearest skies}.

amongst revelation. 
breathing, being, experiencing, releasing, being again.

amongst more love.

i looked up at the skies a lot this summer.
the stars guide me. feel me. love me. 
love us. they shine so brightly. they are so beautiful.

(and every time i felt discouraged, i looked up and remembered memories i haven't danced across for awhile. my dad always stops in new mexico before we drive somewhere new. and we (dad, mom, sister, and i) all just kinda look up for awhile. we admire the stars. the vastness and clearness of the land of enchantment. of our roots. those are the memories dear to my heart. i can feel it and in those moments of discouragement i felt their presence, their souls, their love.)

i breathed the fresh mountain air.
i focused.
i grew. 

i learned to love who i was again. 
especially the skin i was in.
i had to forgive myself for the big breasts that seem to magnetize unforgiving eyes and quivering thoughts.  i had to remind myself that i am not my skin, but much more than that. even if some can't see that. 

i had to remind myself that the brightness and beauty of my soul will heal the pain that the physical body has caused. 

i remembered that my soul's makeup will always shine brighter than any pain.

i was made by god and neurons and science and stars
and pure love.

i was made by my past lives and the current one that my two loving parents created with love.
and continued to shape with support
and adventures
and laughs
and tears
and hugs
and literature
and art
and travel
but always, always, always, with love.

i am made by my personal connections.
my wanders and wonders,
and poetry.

poetry of others.
but most importantly my own.

so that is why it pains me when i personally lock my soul into a cage without words.
without my words.

honestly my emotions and revelations have been huge.
an abundance.
maybe so much that words couldn't capture them the way i wanted them to.
i was annoyed. 

but then i remembered to simply try.
to begin again.
to unravel.
to rekindle.

i'm really going to do this. 
it's going to happen. 
it is happening. 

so please,
forgive me.
and join me.
for lot's of clumsy sentences,
and words.
and songs.
and art.
and a book?

i'm not as scared anymore. 
i'm brave.
and i'm ready. 

for love. life. 
and my words.

hope you are too.
because life isn't always fair.
life is life.
and the universe gives you what you need.
and sometimes the pain you're experiencing is needed
for growth, learning, love, balance.

open your damn eyes, minds, and hearts.
the universe is talking to you, and me, and her, and him, and them, and us. 
everyone.

so feel it. breathe it. be it. love it. you'll find your fire. your psithurism. your soul.

as i've been meditating and letting the negativity be traced and felt and released.
i found courage and a fire in my bones that i've needed for so long.

the fire is back.
and so am i.

welcome to my wild, wild world.