pastmybedtime.

bedtime.

noun. the usual time someone goes to bed.

(if that's the case, it's not really past my bedtime, I always go to bed late, but it's past my tired time. i'm tired. I want to go to bed lol).

photo by kelsey kimberlin photography

i’m feeling so much right now as I sit on my floor, with my storm playlist, there’s a storm outside shaking the sky right now as I type.

I had to start writing and kinda motivate myself to start sharing again.

I promised y’all I was back.

I asked if you were still there, still listening, still caring.

maybe you aren’t, and maybe you don’t.

and that’s okay.

it might take me forever to build back up psithurism, but I know it’s something I don’t want to say goodbye to again.

i’ve been feeling a lot.

and although this blog makes it seem like I feel a lot as a default, that assumption is not fully accurate.

I’m usually at a pretty content, peaceful level.

or a constant stress level due to school. but it’s never really deep emotions anymore. 

but when I feel deeply, I feel the depth of the ocean. 

and right now I feel deep.

hence, why i’m writing. 

I only blog when i’m feeling deep, because I know that those are the rawest, the most unfiltered emotions. the best ones to create off of. 

i’m feeling a lot.

this semester wrecked me. 

i’ve been struggling with little health issues that have been overstaying their welcome (that welcome never existed).

i’ve been feeling a lot of frustration. why won’t my body heal the way I want it to? why is it being so fucking annoying?

maybe because i’ve been at a consistent stress level since august. 

and before that, the past 3 years. lol.

this is my body’s cry for help.

but my soul is still staying strong.

work out, breathe, do yoga, meditate, love dammit. 

love.

what was the final stressor that sparked this weird domino effect of annoying health issues? 

I opened myself up to love again. it was beautiful. it was deep. it was real.

(p.s. love is not a stressor. love is amazing. openness to love is amazing. do not steal that joy from your life. keep reading.)

I wouldn’t say I was in love with him.

it didn’t get that far.

but I was open to that.

and that hasn’t entirely been the story for awhile now. 

i’ve been guarded. I can admit that.

but with him, my walls fell. he made me feel so free. 

so young. so open. 

open to love. open to adventure. 

open to affection.

it hasn’t been like that for a long time. 

but he helped me work through some demons. 

he was there. 

until he wasn’t.

it was a weird rollercoaster ride with him.

not the type of love you want long term.

but the one that you kinda wish you could have longterm when it was on its high.

he wasn’t consistent.

but the excitement he made me feel was.

i’m not going to give too many details about him because I want to protect both myself and him from these clumsy words.

it’s been hard to talk about.

because something I was so hopeful for hurt me. 

to be honest, I haven’t really cried about it until writing this. 

I shed a few tears the next night as I went home and watched the bachelor with my loving, amazing parents.

if you didn’t watch, or if you did here’s a recap, Caelynn talked about how sexual harassment, in her case-- a lot more serious than mine, follows you everywhere and affects more than just the person whom it occurred to.

she talked about how it was an issue that she had to bring up in every relationship because it affects intimacy. 

and I broke down. 

because it’s true.

before I get too close to guys, maybe too soon but it’s better to know sooner than later, I open up about my past with sexual harrassment and how I still struggle with intimacy because those words and some touches still haunt me. that i’m still working through it so patience is needed.

a lot of guys get weirded out.

but there’s a few who are kindhearted about it and patient and sweet. until they’re not.

this guy wasn’t like that.

he was so kind.

he let me talk about it.

he asked questions because he wanted to make sure to never do anything that triggered me.

he cared.

he wanted me to feel safe.

he comforted me as I cried sharing those memories.

he was amazing. 

and not in the obvious way.

I think he’s incredibly misunderstood. or at least I thought.

I saw a piece of his soul that i’m not too sure a lot of people have seen and I am grateful that he shared that with me.

because I was honestly growing unsure that I could feel deeply about someone again. 

he professed his feelings for me around christmas.

and told me he was done with the rollercoaster ride we kept putting our feelings through.

that he was all in and wanted everything with me.

I was cautious, per usual.

we took it day-by-day.

he was patient.

he knew I needed that time, especially because of how the last down of the rollercoaster skidded on the tracks with hurtful words, from both of our parts.

let me just interrupt to say he was gorgeous. 

maybe is still, but eh, i’ll get to that eventually.

things were great. 

he supported my art and me wholeheartedly.

he got me.

we were planning flights and how this would work for the next year(ish) that we would spend long distance. 

about a month after we almost impulsively bought plane tickets,

about a month after his drunken words accidentally, most likely lightheartedly, stumbled out “when we are married”...

he had way too many drinks and triggered my sexual harassment trauma. 

my soul trembled.

my heart joined in tandem.

and now my lip is too.

thankfully I gathered some strength i had laying around

and ended it. 

his drunk words disrespected the very thing we talked about.

my heart broke.

but I didn’t feel sadness.

i felt anger.

angry that he did that to me.

angry that his drunk self could do that.

angry that he stole the “sad stage” away from me.

I still haven’t felt sadness.

because I not only lost him that night,

but I lost all respect and attraction I had towards him.

I lost the freedom he made me feel, because those words triggered me right back into that cage without trust of intimacy. without the want of it.

without him.

but I quickly pulled myself together.

I got up the next day.

I deleted our thread.

all that stupid tech-age stuff that somehow helps solidify things.

but most importantly,

I got up the next day.

and the day after that.

and I might have lost that excitement I felt towards him.

but I never ever lost the excitement and the love and respect I have for myself. for my soul. for my heart. for my future. for me.

and that alone unlocked that fucking stupid cage.

the one I kept a part of me in for years.

I choose me.

I choose my soul.

I choose my heart.

and I choose my entire being’s freedom.

I can honestly say that I am over him as much as one can be over someone who they once really cared for.

I wasn’t in love.

but I did love.

and I know I will love again. 

hopefully longer. hopefully better. 

and even though that love for him is gone, and even though I did not and will never appreciate anyone who makes me feel that way, the way that my triggers bring unbalance to my soul.

even considering all that.

thank you, taurus boy. 

thank you for bringing back that youth into my life.

you truly sucked for hurting me.

but all things considered, thank you for the reminder that my youth is still alive.

DISCLAIMER: taurus boy is not the ONLY or MAIN reason why i’ve been feeling a lot. don't get it twisted. I just had to catch y'all up. 

__________________________________________________

i’m feeling a lot because I graduate soon and i’ve been reminiscing a lot.

i’m feeling a lot because my health is still trying to get back.

i’m feeling a lot because this is my last week of college.

i’m feeling a lot because I went to my last college concert with my bff this past week.

i’m feeling a lot because I am growing every day and am working on finding my balance.

i’m feeling a lot because because:

• my parents are amazing.
• the family member who has been away is gaining strength slowly. and I love that she is doing better.
• my friends support my business like its their own.
• my two lady bosses, but most importantly friends, are so supportive and are shaping my portfolio, and are loving and kind and understanding and the best people I could ever get paid by.
• my sister is engaged to an amazing guy and we are all so excited to welcome him into the family. and most importantly, she herself is happy.
• I am applying for grad school.
• and I have been healing my soul and in turn my OCD, and vice versa, lately due to an amazing book lent to me by kelsey who has been so supportive and gentle about my OCD, and my amazing support circle who have been gentle and kind and motivating. 

there are a lot of reasons why I am feeling such incredible gratitude, even though my eyes are tired and mind is checked out of an education system that while shaping us is hurting us with stress and weird expectations that a grade is more important than your mental health.

your grade is important, yes.

but so are you.

and if you’re out of college:

your job is important, yes.

but so are you.

my gratitude to those who finished this is infinite.

love yourselves, and watch your soul blossom.

join the movement, darling, because it is not over.

yours truly,

purely drea.

p.s.

p.s.

abbreviation. stands for postscript a.k.a. there's still more.

here I am lying in bed,

I suck at sleeping, I’ve always said.

words and words scroll through my mind.

will I ever unwind?

I cannot put them into words.

sometimes I think they are just too much.

and I swear I’m trying, but I just keep hitting a block.

I think I just need a little bit more time for a loving touch.

soon I will turn the lock.

I want to blog, I want to post.

just like the ocean misses the coast.

it’s still here, I am still me.

soon I will turn the key.

it is still part of my soul.

I promise, it’s true.

everything else has just taken a toll,

and the feelings just need time to brew.

purely psithurism is still here.

it’s just been a crazy few years.

purely psithurism, I promise is coming back,

as soon as I delete all of these assignments from my Mac.

I haven’t wrote in quite awhile.

because all the responsibilities made a large pile.

I graduate in twenty days.

darling, it’s been such a craze.

welcome back to my wild, wild world 

like we’re walking into a world so pure. 

are you still listening? do you still care?

makes me sad that that is so rare.

I am sorry that it’s been so long,

I hope you stay for this next song.

I’m back after may, I promise, I swear.

my heart and soul is ready to be bare.

these words they really are ready to exist,

especially after a drink or five or somewhere in between.

that’s right, you’ve been with me since I was seventeen,

now twenty-two, so ready to connect with you

again.

p.s. I say to you, 

p.s. remember that. 

p.s. are you ready to have some fun?

p.s. because purely psithurism is never done.

---------------------------------------------------------------

p.s.s. new look to purely psithurism is coming soon.

yours truly,

purely drea.

setyoursoulfree.

soul.
noun. the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe.

writer’s block feels like i am drinking chlorine and my soul is burning to ashes. 

maybe i need to be ashes to rise again.

i need to believe in myself.

i need to stop feeling scared, embarrassed, doubtful.

honestly, i am not happy with myself when i am not creating art. 

i am not happy when i resist to put my emotions into words.

i am not free when i can’t write.

part of me is so exhausted. 

i burnt myself out last semester.

i was so busy all the time. 

it was to the point that i forgot to put myself first.

i forgot that my health was a priority.

i forgot to remind myself that it was okay to feel anything other than okay.

when you do that, when you deprive your soul of feeling, and you become numb,

you are depriving your soul of freedom. 

souls are not meant to be imprisoned. 

souls crave nurturing.

water. vitamins. working out. healthy foods.

music. dancing. singing. raw emotions. stretches.

sex. spirituality (whatever that is for you). nature. flowers.

plants. fun. sleep. rest. meditation. light. life.

life.

that’s so important.

never deprive yourself from living.

life is not going to be always happy and fun.

but you have to decide for your damn self that you are going

to make it happy and fun again.

and again. and again.

and again.

it all starts within you.

and if you wallow in your sadness, anger, pain, 

you will never grow.

you will never live fully.

you will never truly be 

free.

set

your

soul

free,

darling.

typing out my feelings right now feels like a weird exorcism. 

i haven’t done it in so long. it feels so damn good.

i have big plans for psithurism.

for this brand.

for this conversation.

for me.

and even though i deprived myself of a lot of things for so long, 

today i am saying no more deprivation of natural things.

no more depriving myself of feelings.

no more depriving myself of rest.

no more depriving myself of balance.

no more depriving myself of peace.

balance to me looks different than balance looks to you and to the next person. 

and you have to decide for yourself what balance you are striving for.

just make sure you have the essentials in there: love, health, happiness, and peace.

whatever that looks like to you. do it. allow it. nurture it.

i know it’s scary sometimes, to commit to making a positive change in your life. 

i know it’s scary and incredibly difficult to be so brutally honest with yourself and say:

“you deserve more. so stop focusing on the bad. stop surrounding yourself with negative people. stop tearing yourself apart. and start pulling yourself together with love, honesty, peace, and balance.”

darling, you deserve more.

you deserve to see the light.

life doesn’t stay dark forever.

but that is your choice because 

the light is within you. 

the light is you.

stop depriving yourself of being a light.

your soul has been waiting.

it wants to be free.

let it.

once you do that, 

you will blossom. 

i promise it is worth it.

i promise life is worth living.

i promise you are worth it.

unraveling.

me: hi, my name is andrea and i fucking suck at blogging regularly.

you all: hi andrea

~~~
unraveling.
verb. to diesengage or separate the threads of

sorry, darlings. 
i know it's been awhile but i refuse to keep apologizing for this.

so i'm changing 'sorry' into:
thank you.

thank you for waiting for me to write again. 
thank you for being patient. 
thank you accepting me and following me on this journey.

thank you feels better, and i know i don't owe you guys anything.
but creators kinda always feel like they do.

but i do want you to always know that i am here.
even when i'm not active.

i've been meditating like crazy.
there's been some darkness in my soul that i could not sort out.

sadness. anger. hatred.
hatred for the president.
hatred for racism, sexism, etc. 

hatred for the pain the accident has been putting me through. 
hatred for the pain i have allowed others to make me feel.
hatred for negativity.
hatred for hate. 

sadness and anger for 
heartbreak. 
for death.
for sadness and anger.
for confusion.
for holding on.

i hate holding on to negativity.
i hate feeling hate.
i hate feeling angry.


but you know, all those feelings are valid. 
i think we all should acknowledge our hatred, but we need to release it. 
we need to release any sort of negative feeling/emotion. be patient with yourself. but release it.
don't hold on. it's toxic. it hurts more. it hurts you. your soul. your heart. your mind. your being.

love.
celebrate.
accept. 
breathe.

but you know what's been bothering me the most?
i can't write. 
i couldn't write.

i don't even know if i'm doing this right anymore. 
but to be honest, i don't think there is a right way.
i keep seeing bloggers blog every week, sometimes twice. 
so why can't i?
i've been stuck.
caged and locked.

and my soul doesn't belong stuck.
no soul does.

so:

i've been meditating a lot.
to let go of all the negativity, mostly.
to heal.
to love.
to see.
to hear.
to be. 

to unravel.
why can't i write anymore? 
why haven't i forced myself?

this summer i focused on that. 
because i crave it.
i miss it.
i need it.

and that's when i reached the core of it. 
after months and months.

{in starbucks trying not to cry because this still hits me}

the core of it:
i have been scared.

scared of judgment.
scared of reliving.
scared of feeling.
scared of recreating.

i'm not ashamed of anything.
i've been struggling, sure, and searching for fulfillment.
whatever that means.

i spent my summer in new mexico.
without my parents or sister.
but amongst a lot of love from familia. 

amongst past pains {verbal sexual harassment}, 
amongst dreams {art},
amongst stars {the clearest skies}.

amongst revelation. 
breathing, being, experiencing, releasing, being again.

amongst more love.

i looked up at the skies a lot this summer.
the stars guide me. feel me. love me. 
love us. they shine so brightly. they are so beautiful.

(and every time i felt discouraged, i looked up and remembered memories i haven't danced across for awhile. my dad always stops in new mexico before we drive somewhere new. and we (dad, mom, sister, and i) all just kinda look up for awhile. we admire the stars. the vastness and clearness of the land of enchantment. of our roots. those are the memories dear to my heart. i can feel it and in those moments of discouragement i felt their presence, their souls, their love.)

i breathed the fresh mountain air.
i focused.
i grew. 

i learned to love who i was again. 
especially the skin i was in.
i had to forgive myself for the big breasts that seem to magnetize unforgiving eyes and quivering thoughts.  i had to remind myself that i am not my skin, but much more than that. even if some can't see that. 

i had to remind myself that the brightness and beauty of my soul will heal the pain that the physical body has caused. 

i remembered that my soul's makeup will always shine brighter than any pain.

i was made by god and neurons and science and stars
and pure love.

i was made by my past lives and the current one that my two loving parents created with love.
and continued to shape with support
and adventures
and laughs
and tears
and hugs
and literature
and art
and travel
but always, always, always, with love.

i am made by my personal connections.
my wanders and wonders,
and poetry.

poetry of others.
but most importantly my own.

so that is why it pains me when i personally lock my soul into a cage without words.
without my words.

honestly my emotions and revelations have been huge.
an abundance.
maybe so much that words couldn't capture them the way i wanted them to.
i was annoyed. 

but then i remembered to simply try.
to begin again.
to unravel.
to rekindle.

i'm really going to do this. 
it's going to happen. 
it is happening. 

so please,
forgive me.
and join me.
for lot's of clumsy sentences,
and words.
and songs.
and art.
and a book?

i'm not as scared anymore. 
i'm brave.
and i'm ready. 

for love. life. 
and my words.

hope you are too.
because life isn't always fair.
life is life.
and the universe gives you what you need.
and sometimes the pain you're experiencing is needed
for growth, learning, love, balance.

open your damn eyes, minds, and hearts.
the universe is talking to you, and me, and her, and him, and them, and us. 
everyone.

so feel it. breathe it. be it. love it. you'll find your fire. your psithurism. your soul.

as i've been meditating and letting the negativity be traced and felt and released.
i found courage and a fire in my bones that i've needed for so long.

the fire is back.
and so am i.

welcome to my wild, wild world.