compass.

compass.

noun. an instrument containing a magnetized pointer that shows the direction of magnetic north and bearings from it

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everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud. 

this is mine. 

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there’s the most beautiful wedding dress hanging in my closet, and i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that i might never get a chance to wear it…

that’s the basis of my story: the heartbreak of life and the tolerance to the pain that my heart has created in order to get through it; the destruction of hopes and dreams over and over and over again, and the expert i have become at putting it all back together. 

strong, smart, confident—that’s how most people describe me… surrendering and exhausted is how i do.

i’m a very big believer in the fact that our life and who we are is built upon the experiences we endure and the people we choose to let into our lives. 

unfortunately for me, i have a defect: i believe in true love. i believe in the hope of what tomorrow brings and that people, are genuinely good. my God, have i loved… i have fallen into love, like falling into an ocean, falling into the depths of who these men were. i have loved with thorns that have left scratches down my back and kisses so searing they left my lips burning for days…

with the immensity of the love i have felt, i have also experienced the darkness of its heartbreak, the numbing pain of goodbyes and having to erase someone who, over time, became a part of me. unfortunately, the truth is that, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want it… some stories just don’t have a happy ending.

people always leave. and for a long time i was the one that was always leaving. my life was a long string of hardships, goodbyes, and a hell of a lot of boxes, broken promises, and forgotten memories. and for a brief moment in time, the whitewashed house felt like home, the moving stopped, and there he was: the worst decision i've ever made.  

though, almost seven years later, i’m not bitter. i have lost and loved and won and cried myself into the person i am today. the worst part is that it was over long before it actually was. but there is just so much stubborn hope in the human heart…

do you think it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time? how about to fall in love with one person, while falling out of love with another? the funny thing about falling in and out of love, is that it doesn't matter what you want, the heart has a mind of its own and makes its own decisions. unwarranted love lost and found. i don't think it gets more complicated than that…

i have suffered. i have been hurt, and scarred, cheated on, controlled and used, and made to feel much less than worthless. but these scars are my documentation of the mistakes i’ve made in trying to overcome them. because no, nobody’s perfect, myself included. i am both the things i’ve done to myself and the things done to me… and along these nerve endings, you will find insecurities, but also a history of me.

nowadays, genuine love is so hard to find. nobody wants it, nobody works for it, and maybe it’s because nobody really believes in it… we define love the way we experienced it. so i could sit here and try and tell you that i know what true love is. that i know what it takes to have studio albums written about you, to sacrifice everything for someone, and what it takes to make someone fall head over heels in love with you. but i can't. and i won't. at this point in my life, i'm not quite sure i've ever known what love truly is… if i've ever loved someone, or if i've ever truly been loved. 

maybe once. a glimmer of hope last year, in the worst year of my life. have you ever wanted something so bad, but been so completely terrified to have it? partly because he was the unexpected love at the worst time, and partly because i have never known real happiness and comfort until him. i hated how much i loved you and how i would have given up anything for you. two nights is all it took—each one more precious than the last, seared into my memory forever: you drunkenly carrying me into the house at three a.m., feeling your smile across your lips because we couldn’t stop laughing, but you couldn’t pull me close enough, and your deep ocean blue eyes that saw me, the real me, and loved me anyway.

but sometimes, timing is everything, and life isn’t fair. and sometimes, fate doesn’t actually fight for two souls to be together… i finally realized that when you called me eight hours before you would be leaving… forever. another goodbye. and for that, i am allowed to be angry. but i’m always angry. it’s the only way i can feel sad and strong at the same time. i’ll never forget the soft, longing “stay” that you whispered in my ear as i started to move to get up to leave your place last summer… why couldn’t you do the same? but you made me believe in the possibility of love again, and for that, even though nothing ever came from this, i can thank you for that… and i can finally let you go.

they say when you finally let go, when you finally stop trying, that is when things begin to fall into place as they should… so here’s to the unexpected.

yes, i have good days and bad. and as i open up my closet each day, i’m reminded of one of my greatest fears. but if calling off my own wedding taught me one thing, it’s that i will not allow anyone one else to control my life. you don’t get to decide whether or not i pursue all of my hopes and dreams. this life is mine, and i get to choose how to live it. i chose freedom and everyday, i choose happiness. enough was enough. and i’m deciding how this story ends.

I COMPLETE ME.

if people want to leave, hold the door open for them. through all of the bad, you have to persevere. find your purpose in life, and hold on to it… never let it go. 

“have some fire. be unstoppable. be a force of nature. and don’t give a damn what anyone thinks.” 

if my life, and its various trials and tribulations, have taught me anything, it’s this:

• first of all, chivalry is not dead; raise your standards.

• you only have so many tomorrow’s; so live them adventurously

• live a life so great that people could never say a bad thing about you; it really takes no effort at all to be a decent human being

• remember where you came from and what it took to get you to where you are today; stay humble

• don’t do anything in this life for anyone else; do it for you and for whoever tried to tell you otherwise

• it’s the simple things in life that really matter, and the impact that you have on the lives of those around you that is important

• you are allowed to completely change your life if it isn’t working; do not marry suffering

• everything really does happen for a reason… i promise.

how am i doing? well, i’m surviving. because i have to. and that’s honestly enough for me.

so i’m sure you’ve seen me: the quiet one with bags under her eyes sipping on what appears to be more milk than coffee, scribbling in a bright yellow notebook, listening to sad acoustic covers to once happier songs, pretending to have it all together... but see, that’s the thing with quiet people, 

“you never know if they’re dancing in a daydream or carrying the weight of the world.” 

i wear half of a broken compass on my wrist, most will never know it’s there, and it’s to remind me that i have no idea where the hell i’m going, but life does… and it’s signed,

— somewhere between emotional and emotionless, but always on to better things.

[r.]