baby blue.

baby blue.
noun. his eyes. his aura. his soul.

i wanted to wait to write this blog. give myself a little time to heal. the thing is. i'm not sure i'll heal completely from this. bear will always be a huge part of our family. a huge part of our hearts. 

a family of five, back to four. 

on march 9, 2018, we had to put down our baby blue eyes. our baby boy. our brother bear. 

i know that many of you didn't know bear, or even like dogs. and simply cannot relate to this. i know that some of you are probably not gonna read this. or even care. but this is my blog. and this is my healing process. a process that i have to be honest with. a process that i welcome you to be on with me. a process that many of you understand. 

bear was the best dog ever. we rescued him when we lived in california. my dad always promised rachel, my sister, and me a dog. but he always said "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog." boy, was he right.

we went to husky haven on april 12, 2010. we were looking at a different dog, named snow or snowball, i forget the name. snow was cute. snow was also very small. if we could've gotten two dogs, maybe we would've considered snow (to be honest, if it was possible to adopt every dog in the world, i would try). but out of the corner of our eyes, we saw this big dog jumping. like he was trying to get our attention. my sister said, "that's my dog."

we asked the lady if we could see that dog. the jumping dog. and rhonda said, "I don't know...that's a big dog". 

but my dad always said, "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog." 

so she led this beautiful, majestic puppy into the area we were in. he took off running. and he jumped on me. he put his paws on my shoulders and scared the living fuck out of me and my mom. but there was nothing to be afraid of. he was so friendly. he was just giving me a big hug. a bear hug. 

he made his rounds and hugged each and every one of us. he picked us. and we brought him to his new home. his forever home.

here's what he looked like the day we adopted him:

as rachel has said, we're not sure who rescued who. but honestly, we know that bear definitely rescued us. he completed our family. he fit in with his sarcastic personality, that was secretly overflowing with love. 

he loved his walks. he loved chicken. he loved enrique inglesias' song hero (he would howl to it every time)...

and he loved his family. 

every time one of us was crying, he'd give up his comfort of his favorite spots, and come sit by us. 

after my accident, he slept by me the whole night and tried to heal my banged-up/bruised legs with his kisses. 

and all i know is that it kills me that we couldn't heal him. 

at the young age of eight (almost nine), cancer attacked him. 

we found out about the cancer two months ago. and within two months, our perfectly healthy and active puppy was basically deteriorating in front of our eyes. 

and we couldn't do anything about it. it wasn't curable. it was too aggressive.

the people that rhonda (husky haven) saved bear from, claimed he was "too much dog" and "aggressive" when they abandoned him at the pound. 

what they didn't know is that he was only aggressive because they abused him, something that we had to help him to heal from and had to prove our trust with. 

and maybe he was a big dog, 
but he also had the biggest heart. 

i will forever be grateful that bear chose us. that he taught us a different kind of love. a different kind of life: a better life. he really did make our lives so beautiful. 

his soul was so beautiful...
is so beautiful. 

i know that his soul is still with us. 
and will especially be present when the snow falls to the ground again. his favorite weather.

on march 9, 2018, we helped bear to his favorite corner of the backyard. 

on march 9, 2018, we gave bear so much love. as much love as we possibly could. but we also knew that bear enjoyed his space. so we gave him some of that too.

on march 9, 2018, it was his last day.

around 3:30 p.m., we helped bear into the car, something he used to easily jump in, then needed all of our help due to his failing legs. 

we drove to the vet with tears in our eyes and sadness in our hearts. 

on march 9, 2018, we had to say goodbye to our best friend.

we made sure that he wasn't alone. we all sat there, sadness pouring down our faces. petting him and letting him know that the pain was over. that we loved him. that he was so handsome. and that he was a good boy. 

it's so hard to talk about. 
it's so hard to remember.

i'll forever miss my favorite shade of baby blue, his presence here on earth, and his bear hugs. 

we gave him a good life. and he returned that and then some.

to be completely honest, i am not sure how to end this on a happy note. as i sit here letting the sadness exit my eyes. 

but i guess i can end it with this fact:
life is full of obstacles.
life is not always fair.
life can really fucking suck.

but life is also so beautiful.
so
love others.
love creatures.
love nature.
love yourself.
love life.

whatever you do,
promise to love.
it truly adds the best colors to life.

trust me.

fly high, our little angel pup. 

be brave.

brave.
adjective. having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty : having or showing courage

these past few years have really taken a lot out of me.

from hitting rock bottom, to continually being wrung out by life’s unfairness and sadness.

to losing a huge part of my social, happy, brave self.

to losing family to god’s painful timing.

to pushing my body through the pain of the car accident,

& my soul through the emotional pain.

and even though life has been testing the living fuck out of me still,

especially with Bear being diagnosed with cancer, and having lack of answers,

i’ve been praying that he’s not in pain and maybe just maybe it’ll be okay.

that it’s not aggressive, and something Bear will strongly outlive.

just please.

to be honest, i feel as if each time i think everything will be okay again, something else gets thrown at me.

and i’ve been so strong for so damn long. but even the strongest fall to their knees from time to time. 
even the strongest break and cry.

but despite all that, i’ve been so proud of myself lately.

i’ve been brave.

i started to invest in myself.

i’ve been focusing on my health,

my art,

my soul,

my life.

i’ve been taking chances.

and forcing myself to jump out of my comfort zone,

Something that I used to do all the time, but now is a challenge.

but that’s life.

an unfair challenge.

but holy fuck, darlings, life is so goddamn beautiful.

especially when you invest in yourself.

go to the gym.

listen to that song on full blast and dance your ass off.

sing that song even if you’re off key.

write in your journal.

do yoga.

eat that fucking cookie.

find your balance, love.

find your psithurism.

where do you find peace in your heart and soul?

what makes you feel alive?

what makes you passionate about life?

whatever’s good for your soul, do that.

(heyyyyy what’s up senior quote lol).

still true though.

believing in my art has really helped me heal.

so i hope you believe in your art too. whether your art is music, writing, dancing, painting, sketching, modeling, photography, skateboarding, working out, running, fashion, cooking, breathing, living, loving… in the end, it’s all art, darling.

be proud of yourself.

be brave.

be happy.

be love.

love yourself out of whatever pain your feeling.

it gets better. even when it doesn’t feel like it does.

just trust me.

it does if you allow it to.

your story isn’t done yet.

your light is ready to shine.

your flowers are ready to grow.

afloat.

afloat.
adjective and adverb. floating in the water; not sinking.

i’ve had a rough semester.

the retrograde really threw me off. 
and i know some of you probably don’t believe in that, 
but i feel my soul growing. 
i feel it connecting with the universe.

and when i say the mercury retrograde really threw me off, 
i mean it literally kicked my ass. it threw me off balanced.

it made me sad. 

i was struggling.

struggling to stay treading the water.

struggling to create.

struggling to live life to the fullest.

for those of you who don't know, i got in a bad car accident august 2016. and my back has been unable to heal since.

in september of this year, i decided to get some MRIs, only to find out i have a herniated disc in my neck. so just a few days before my 21st birthday, i broke down, and realized that i had to do whatever i had to do to avoid back/spine surgery. 

in october, my uncle died in a tragic car accident. 
this opened a new wound for me, 
because not only did my dad’s younger brother leave this earth and break his heart, 
but my uncle suffered from anxiety. 

i don’t know what it is about us broken people, but we tend to have an understanding for one another.

a silent bond.

last christmas, i gave him a psithurism shirt, 
and he put it on right away. 
an act of kindness and love.

and i think the letter i wrote to go along with the shirt showed him that he wasn't alone. 

i remember writing in the letter 
"i hope you find peace, you deserve that". 

unfortunately, i don’t think he ever found peace in his soul. 
but believe me when i say his soul was great. 

he was so kind. no matter what he was going through, he kept a positive attitude, and he spread kindness to every soul he met. 
he had this motto, 

“pass on the good things that you encounter during everyday life”.

pass on positivity. pass on love. 

it saddens me to know that he will never take whatever comfort or whatever joy in that shirt i gave him this christmas season. 

or stand up for me when my family teases me for not knowing spanish. but i know that maybe, just maybe, that leaving this world delivered him the peace he never could find. 

i know this christmas will be hard for my family, but continuing to appreciate the time spent together, and passing on the good things in life, will help keep us going.

i don’t know what it is about these past few years of my life, but the waters have been staying so dark, so deep, and vicious. 

the punches keep rolling. 
i am bruised head to toe. 
my soul hurts. 

my art has been suffering from this. 
absolutely suffering and for that i am sorry.

i feel as if i’m letting people down. but i promise, 
i’m working hard to plant my garden. 
tend to my flowers. 
and find my psithurism, 
my peace 
all over again.

that’s the thing about life, darlings. 
i’m not sure life ever stops throwing punches, or the waves ever calm down. 
but you still have to plant your garden. 
you must continue to fight and grow. 

and honestly even though this semester, in better words, has fucking sucked and i’m beyond pissed off that my art has been suffering.

but when i take a step back...

when i breathe...

when i open up the damn blinds and let the light shine in...

i’m still so goddamn thankful.

for the beautiful little things that have kept me afloat. 

family.

friends.
the memories.

music.

the moon, 
how it shines so brightly in the dark sky.

love.

flowers.

life.

never stop being thankful for life. 
you’re here for a reason, darlings. 

please explore.

“wander often, wonder always”

i promise your soul, your peace, your happiness are there.
and they are all there inside of you. 
ready to bloom. 

stay patient and love yourself out of whatever pain you feel,
and watch your flowers grow.

even flowers can withstand the worst storms with the proper care.
make sure your soul, happiness, and peace are those flowers.

i love you all. i appreciate you all.

i know the holiday seasons are hard for a lot of people. 

so please, don’t feel alone. 

YOU are not alone.

YOU are loved.

YOU are worth life. 

and YOU are strong. 

xoxo.

more.

more.
adjective. greater, additional, further.

i've been feeling a void lately.
void of words.
void of motivation.
void of emotions.

it's been really difficult for me not to be able to write.
like someone was caging up my soul in a cage far too small.

because of this void,
i've been on the search for something more. 

more inspiration.
more motivation.
more words.
more emotions.
more life. 

more. 

and as i sit here in the car, because i spontaneously bought a plane ticket to then drive my life away...
waiting for a better way... (that one was for you, dad + eddie rabbitt).

...i was feeling that void more than ever.

i always think too much in cars. overanalyze things too painful, too complicated.

to be honest, i've been very discouraged lately. 

with school.
with my art.
with myself.
with the world.

yes...especially with the government and society. 

it's been incredibly hard for me to see a man in office who is exactly like the boys who sexually harassed me every day a few years ago. but instead of just grabbing me by the pussy, they grabbed me by the ass in the hallway, you know, claiming their property. 

those memories have been creeping back ever since a boy just like them is the president of the united states. 

it's been hard for me to see comments and opinions of those that are degrading, not only women, but all the amazing progress we have fought to make.

it's been hard seeing such stupidity and hatred in this world.
this world that can be so beautiful if people would just be accepting and spread some love and respect. if we could just defeat hatred, sexism, racism, bigotry, etcetera. 

this has been heavy on my soul.
all this pain.
alongside this giant writer's block, that also has been blocking my soul and emotions...
my happiness,
my freedom,
my inspiration,
and creativity.

it's been hard.

and i've been struggling for years now, but this past two months more than ever. 

so today, when i was shuffling through spotify, 
searching for something new.
something that made me feel.
something that unlocks the cage. 

i stumbled upon:
More by SOJA.

how ironic it was when that more i was searching for was just that...More.

now i heard this song about a year ago. live. at stir cove in iowa. 
SOJA played a song that they hadn't released yet.
and the lyrics engraved into my soul, beautifully, effortlessly. 

they made me feel.
they made me think.
they made me present. 

the world had stopped turning. and the only thing that mattered was that song.
that moment.
those words.
that truth.

and i've been waiting for this song to come out, because i earned hearing those words again. the melody. the meaning. the everything that the song is.

and today it saved me.
it made me present.
it set my soul free.
it made me write.

after two months of an empty abyss, no words, a painful numbness.

it made me write.
and my god, it is more. 

i don't know if you believe in fate or if you're rolling your eyes and saying it's just a coincidence, but i feel as if this song was meant to come back to me today. to come free me today, when the void was becoming overwhelming. 

i feel it. 
and i want you all to feel it too.

here's the link to the song (if you didn't catch it up top):
more.

i hope you listen to the song,
the words,
the truth.

and i hope you find your more.

xoxo, 
drea. 

p.s. love yourself out of voids. 
i know it's hard...but it's the only way.
i'm here if you need me.

kintsukuroi.

kintsukuroi.
noun and verb. the art of repairing pottery with gold lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. to repair with gold.

photo credit to the beautiful Natalie Plata, aka Life Through A Rose Lense. 

she did an absolutely beautiful project for the month of may--mental health awareness month. during this project, she photographed amazing souls to help share their stories and what they struggle with to help bring awareness. thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of this project. and thank you so much for taking absolutely brilliant photos.

_____________________________________________________

i have anxiety.
it's a hard fact that i have to live with every day.

some days are better than others.
and i am so thankful for the better days because it means that i am not completely broken. 

those days make me feel the gold inside of me.
they make me feel good and weightless and happy.

but the bad days are still there.
and the bad days make me feel broken and heavy. 
sad and angry.
scared and frustrated.

anxiety starts in your chest and spreads like ink on thin paper. 
a tie-dye design of anxiousness.

you can't breathe. it takes control of your chest and spreads up to your mind and through your veins.

but self love helps me heal.

self love pours gold on my brokenness and mends all the edges back together. 

that gold makes me stronger and more beautiful than i was before anxiety threw me against the cold marble floor and watched me shatter.

however, gold does not eliminate the harshness of anxiety that i experience. it does not glorify or glamorize it. 

it makes it apparent to everyone. it forces me to be vulnerable. it shows off my once broken pieces. but by forcing me to accept it, and deal with it, and love myself still--that is a very beautiful thing.

me not giving up is beautiful and victorious. 

and not giving up is tough, but so am i. 
and darling, so are you. 

you too are tough and brave and absolutely beautiful. 

love yourself so much that the gold pulls your broken pieces together and makes you whole again.

because darling, you deserve it. 
and i promise you, you will shine again if you allow yourself to.

22:49

22:49
noun. time of night. (10:49 pm for those of you who don't know military time). 

it's 22:49 on 17 april 2017.

i haven't written in a long time and i'm so sorry.
i've been dealing with a lot. 

school is stressful.
i struggle to find motivation to study for the tests that i know determine my grade point average. 

i've been stressed.
i've been tired. so unbelievably tired.

yet i've been inspired. 
i quit my job. i started my own photography business.
i'm in the process of starting my own graphic design/advertising free-lance website as well. 
i said yes to my creativity. 

i like that.

it's 22:49 and i should be studying for informational systems technology. but i can't. 

it's 22:49 and my wrist is sprained because a guy who i thought was my friend didn't let go when i said "ouch, stop. that hurts."

he didn't apologize.
we aren't friends.

stop means stop. 
in every situation.

it's 22:49 and my mind is racing a thousand miles per minute.

it's 22:49 and i'm listening to the cello song on repeat.  

it's 22:49 and i'm choking back tears because i am tired.
i am not happy.
i am not where i want to be.

i know i should feel so blessed.
but i am stressed.

it's 22:49 and i'm reminding myself that life is wonderful.
that i am lovable.
that life is meant to be lived. and enjoyed. and loved.

it's 22:49 and i am reminding myself to be passionate. 

it's 22:49 and i keep looking around my room reminding myself that this should feel like home.

it's 22:49 and my anxiety and soul are battling it out.

it's 22:49 and i am me.

it's 22:58 and i am amazed how fast i typed this.
it's 22:58 and i take a deep breath.
it's 22:58 and i remember.

i remember that i am so much stronger than i was a year ago.
and two years ago.
and three years ago.

i remember that i have grown and bloomed and blossomed in multiple, positive ways. 

i remember that i am loved.
i remember that i am art.

i remember that my grade point average, yes does matter, but my soul matters more. 
my sanity matters more.
my mind matters more.

you know what else matters?
my feelings. my emotions. 
my thoughts. my words. 
my actions.

the fact that i have saved others from harming themselves.
killing themselves.
forgetting themselves.

i have saved others from sadness. 
and anger.

i have saved others.
and please know that i am not bragging.

but yes i am celebrating, because those souls, those bodies are absolutely incredible.
they are absolutely significant.
they are absolutely brilliant, and talented, and lovable. 
they are worth it.

and so are you.
you are so you.
you are so every star dust that makes up your body.
your mind.
your soul.
your skin.
your thoughts and emotions.

you are so you.
you are so worth loving each and every neuron of yourself.
from your toes to your knees. 
from your knees to your hips.
from your hips to your shoulders.
from your shoulders to your head.
from your head to the inside of your heart and mind.
everything.

so be you.
celebrate you.
love you.
and love life.

and please always say yes to life and to love, because i promise darling,

everything will be okay.

it's 23:04 and we are breathing.
it's 23:04 we are connecting our souls to the moon. 
and the moon to the stars.
and the stars back down into our souls because darlings we are made out of the very stars that lit up the darkest nights. 

because of this, we have the very power to light up our darkest moments.
so shine, love.
choose to shine. 

it's 23:05 and we are saying yes to shining.
it's 23:05 and we are saying yes to life.
and most importantly yes to love 
(love of self, body, mind, soul, life, positive others, and the world). 

dawn.

dawn.
noun. the first appearance of light in the sky before sunrise.

"the night is darkest just before the dawn." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i've never hated myself.

i liked me, but I didn't quite love me.

not for the majority of my past, anyways.

i didn't know what "self love" qualified as.

i was always taught to put others first.

in doing this, didn't realize that i had been putting others before my own health.

i allowed myself to be taken advantage of.

i ended up in many unhappy situations that weren't necessary for me to be in.

i didn't allow myself to demand the respect i deserved.

anything positive about me, i would downplay for fear of coming off as cocky.

i would slip into secret depressions for no apparent reason for months on end.

nobody would ever know, i had a pretty convincing mask.

i liked me, but i didn't love me.

i didn't think much of it, though.

i tried to bottle it up, but it all broke loose in october of 2015.

i had been allowing certain people to manipulate and control 

my mind, 

emotions, 

and life 

for far too long…

eventually, 

the final straw that broke my back was thrown down.

that night was a blur of red.

i don't remember much from that night, but i know that i called andrea...

and talked to her about what probably was a rather trivial situation in retrospect.

but i couldn't compose myself.

i don't remember a point in my life where i had ever felt such a lack of control of my emotions as i did that day.

if "mental breakdown" was in the dictionary, the definition would just be a picture of me on that october night as i sat sobbing, beating the wall and gasping for air in the shower.

that was the lowest i'd ever felt, and that was when i knew i had to make a change.

either out of coincidence or fate, andrea and i became much closer after that day.

i say "closer" because, even though we'd known each other pretty well for about 3-4 years prior to that event, i still had no idea what her voice sounded like.

it's a weird detail to keep track of, i know.

but while i was on the phone with her for that first time, despite the oncoming breakdown i had, i remember hearing the calming familiarity and empathy in her voice.

like she'd been there before.

she had the ability to help keep me sane in one of the rare situations where i felt helpless and hopeless towards myself.

she had always talked about self-love before, and while i always approved and appreciated the idea and loved to hear her talk about it,

i never quite understood it.

but after hearing her voice for that first time over the phone, i did.

the first step i took was cutting out any negative and toxic people i had in my life.

there weren't many, but they existed.

that alone was a weight off my shoulders.

i've stopped relying on the approval and justification of others.

relationships with my friends, family, and teammates have been strengthened.

i've started getting the respect and recognition i deserve.

my happiness is no longer dependent on anyone/thing other than God and myself.

i'm exponentially more involved around campus and happy this year than i ever could have imagined i would be in college.

my confidence has taken a huge 180 from years past.

i acknowledge my flaws and imperfections - i'm not ignorant or blind.

but i continue to work on them.

i don't let them hold me back anymore.

it's unfortunate that it took almost 21 years to get to the point where i started treating myself the way i deserved to be.

but if i had never felt that weak, i know i wouldn't be as strong as i am now.

if you could take the current 22 year-old me and compare it with 20 year-old me, you wouldn't recognize who i was back then.

i'm thankful for how things have turned around for the better for my mental health in this past year.

i'm thankful for those that were, are, and will be in my life.

i'm thankful for andrea for being there for me in my dark times.

to me, self-love is being in charge of your own happiness.

if you control your happiness, there is no person or situation that will ever have any more power over you than you allow it to.

self-love, self-awareness, self-respect; i don't care what you call it, 

it matters.

though it took me a while to realize this, self-love has allowed me to enjoy my life to a fuller extent than i realized i could.

i will always love God.

i will always love my family.

i will always love my friends.

i will always love me.

[josh]