bloom.

bloom.
noun. a period of flowering

as I look out my window on this 180 minutes road trip, I am sad.

I don't know where exactly I went wrong.
I don't know the exact moment when I surrounded myself with sad, messy people...

but honestly, I don't remember a time where I didn't.

I have always appreciated messy people.
I like dark and twisty souls...the messy ones.
why?... because they have experienced life in a unique way. so unique that it is interesting.

of course, it is probably because I relate the most to them.

andrea torres, the sad girl with a black soul and heart of gold.

I'm very dark and twisty. I'm very messy. I'm very sad.

(this does not mean I do not smile. this does not mean I do not experience passion, love, happiness, bliss.)

but I try my ultimate best to spread positivity.
and when I care, I care immensely.

I love life, I really do.
I have a passion for feeling truly alive.

but sometimes it's hard for me.

that's where my heart of gold meets my black soul.

I used to fight it, ya know?
I used to try to be peppy and smile all the time.
but it got exhausting.

what I found out was: fighting who you are is excruciating painful.

this does not mean not to try to be the best person you can possibly be.

in fact, I encourage that.

I encourage watering your soul's seeds, and letting yourself blossom and bloom into beautiful colors.

please, darling, do that.
always bloom.

but just keep in mind, even the most beautiful flowers are planted in the darkest soils.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,
always find the sunshine in your darkness.

but be patient.

you can be a mess.
you can be dark and twisty.
and despite all that, you can still bloom.

and if you're not an anxious mess like me,
and if your soul is bright and joyful and happy and vibrant,
you can still shine and bloom too.

all flowers are beautiful.
all flowers matter.

don't compare your sunflower to his/her rose or peony or daisy.
and vise versa.

you are you.
you are important.
you are beautiful.

keep watering your seeds, darling.
keep watering your soul with the purest waters and love.

legend of the phoenix.

legend of the phoenix.
noun. "as the legend goes- when the phoenix resurrects from the flames, she is even more beautiful than before." -d.l.

she wrote:

"I can finally breathe and look towards tomorrow. There's no looking back.And no, I'm not going to lie, the sadness won a few battles yesterday. But it's okay. Sometimes it's good to cry- let the water wash away the bad, clean the slate for a fresh start, and so that I may see clearly now.  

I'm not broken."

after that perfect last line, she scribbled a perfect quote in a perfect way.
a quote that would be the start of her new chapter.
her new life.

"she needed a hero
so she became one."

and my God, she did just that.
she became that hero.
she became a phoenix.

she resurrected from those toxic flames and yes, she is even more beautiful than before.
she became a phoenix. 

_____________________________________________________

Rachel Torres, currently age 23, is beautiful.
not in the usual way...
instead, in a way that intimidates you.
her appearance is stunning, yes... but
her mind is beautiful. her intelligence is beautiful. her soul is beautiful.
all of which are immensely strong.
she is strong.

she is intimidating.
but she is beautiful. 

although Rachel has been through hell and back enough times that she doesn't need a map anymore, she always comes back more breathtakingly gorgeous.

and when she wrote those words in her journal, they were engraved into her heart and soul.
"I'm not broken." 

no you're not, Rach. and you'll never be. because even when you may feel close to that brokeness, you will resurrect. you will always rise. 

I love you, and my God, you deserve to never feel broken again. 
even the days where you hate yourself, i'll be there to rekindle that light that you need. 
but everyone knows, you're the hero.
i'm just your sidekick. 

hide and seek.

hide and seek.
noun. song by imogen heap.

"what the hell is going on? the dust has only just begun to fall. crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling."

who knew andrea torres would get so goddamn rusty at writing? well, i guess "the dust has only just begun to fall". 

i'm dusting myself off.
i'm actually writing in my journal again.

such a little victory with such massive meaning.

hide and seek.
my God, i love this song.
listen to it here.

it makes you feel and think.
it pauses your world for a perfect, brief moment.

take that pause.
breathe.
take in those strings of odd lyrics and allow yourself to feel.

i don't know...
how is it that as children we want to win/stay hidden during hide and seek, but as you get older, you want nothing more than to be found by someone when you're hiding.

whether that someone is you, somebody you love, or maybe not a somebody at all.
maybe a something-- such as happiness, or an epiphany, or a creative flow, whatever.

when did that change? 

perhaps some of you want to stay hidden, i get that.
but don't let the darkness consume you so much that you stay hidden from the good things in life.
promise?

this blog is all over the place, i apologize.
i thought about not posting this or editing the fuck out of it, but why not let you see this dusty mess? (hot.)

soon the dust will become gold though.
promise.

you should dust yourself off too, love.

do you ever wonder why people hide from their passions? 
is it purely fear?

beat that fear. conquer it. win.

chase your dreams or passions or whatever makes your soul healthy and happy.
take that risk.
seek your light.

i know it's scary, but hiding from it will just result in a void and possibly regret. 

let your soul shine, love.

do you.
stop hiding.
find yourself. find your psithurism. 
find your passion.
seek it. find it.

i believe in you. 
you should too.

rekindle. part 2.

rekindle.
verb. relight (a fire). revive (something that has been lost).

after the car crash,
my fire went out. i was so shaken up that i couldn't feel anything but anxiety and anger. 

yes, physically, i was fine. 
but mentally and emotionally, i was not.

every time i closed my eyes when i tried to fall asleep, i got the feeling of fear and anxiety i got right before our cars impacted. 

i couldn't sleep and i couldn't write.
even writing this is the hardest thing to do right now. 

and i'm sorry. 
i'm sorry this post is going to be a little rusty.

i know my blogs help some people, and they're what the brand was built off of. 
but i lost my fire.

luckily, it's being rekindled. 
i'm relighting it.

& it may take awhile to burn as intensely as it used to, but just know i'm trying.
i'm ready for it to burn so damn brightly again.

let's take this #loveyourselfcampaign and make it worth it.

i promise i'm just getting started.

welcome back to the psithurism fire. 
welcome back to my clumsy words.

xoxo.

hands.

hands.
noun. song by jewel.

"my hands are small. i know. but they're not yours, they are my own. but they're not yours, they are my own. and i am never broken."

who would've known that a song released in 1998 (when i was just two years old) would end up sparking a lost fire inside me almost eighteen years later?

well here we are. 

(if you have not listened to this song: please do...right now. 
link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfsS3pIDBfw )

as all of you may or may not know, i've been struggling lately. 
i think it's so important that you (my audience and now possible customers) know that even though i'm up here promoting self love, and explaining that i've found my psithurism in many things now, i'm still hurting... not because hurting is something that i'm proud of, but because i need you to know that i'm human and i'm fighting the fight with you. i'm fighting my demons. 

anxiety is still a thing, and lately blogging has been almost impossible for me.
the last post, iris, took a lot out of me. 

i am not angry about that, because that piece meant so much to me.
but i am angry that i've been struggling with writer's block again.

in simple terms: life has been testing me.

i have felt a sense of heart break, stress, anger, exhaustion, anxiety, and depression in an abundance since that last post.

i have felt a huge wall between me/my soul and my emotions.
i'm hurting but it's like something inside of me won't let me be free. 

and i know that betrayal and criticism from others has enhanced that blockage. 
criticism from myself has as well.

and it wasn't until the other day where i forced myself to feel that i realized that.
the song that helped me lower that wall was hands by jewel.

the first verse is breathtakingly beautiful.

"if i could tell the world just one thing, it would be: we're all okay.
and not to worry because worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
i won't be made useless, i won't be idled with despair.
i will gather myself around my faith--for light does the darkness most fear."

we're all okay. even if we aren't right now, we will be eventually. trust in that. trust in your soul. trust in your journey. 

i know how hard it is to keep striving for happiness, but it's so fucking important. 

don't be made useless. don't be idled with despair. 
find your light, find your psithurism.

________________________________________________________________


my hands are small. 
almost oddly small, but it is okay.

because even though i may not be able to hold a large amount of items, i can write a poem that frees souls. i can type my blogs that help people realize they aren't alone. i can gently wipe tears. i can hold another's hand. i can touch. i can feel. and i can create. 

so even though i still struggle with my demons. even though i wake up losing the fight somedays...

i am never broken. 

and neither are you.

iris.

iris.
noun. the colored part of your eye.

"and i'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause i know that you feel me somehow..." -iris//the goo goo dolls

this is not a story of star-crossed lovers...
because their love was anything but doomed.

this is not a story of a soul that couldn't be saved...
because his soul was saved by her love, and her soul was saved by his.

this is not a story about many things but... 

this is a story of eternal love, sadness, a moment of weakness, and immense strength.

________

have you ever looked somebody in the eye and simply felt it?
of course that feeling is never truly simple...but somehow the color of their iris burns in your soul.

imagine seeing the person you irrevocably love, imagine looking at their eyes...and how their eyes somehow become your favorite color, imagine looking into them every single day for six years.

now imagine never being able to do that again.

________

it all began in november 2009. 
lucy and alonzo's relationship started to grow from a simple look, to catching feelings, to something more.

like any relationship, there were many ups and downs...but they did not let the downs keep them apart. instead, they let the lows strengthen their golden tie together.

the other's brown eyes became their favorite thing to catch... their comfort...their happiness.

my god, did they make each other happy. 
my god, did they make each other laugh.

my god, did they love each other.
and that love was so close to perfect.

but of course, perfect is so blurry sometimes.

________

fast forward to 2016.

lucy and alonzo are still madly in love, incredibly happy, and honestly a fitness power couple.

they have experienced many milestones together throughout these six years. 
not to mention, living together most of the years.
they are happy.

but sometimes happiness doesn't stem from multiple origins. sometimes it stems only from a few origins that are so fucking precious.
...and sometimes, people let their demons conquer their happiness.

like everybody, alonzo was taunted by his demons. like everybody, he fought them every single day.
like everybody, alonzo had a moment of weakness.

you see, sometimes demons hit you right in your "achilles heel", because more often than not, they are your achilles heel.

alonzo was not weak (anybody who ever looked at him knew this). he was physically, mentally, and emotionally incredibly strong.
he had (and still has) an invincible support system.

but his moment of weakness was different.
his moment of weakness ended his demons once and for all.
and his moment of weakness unintentionally created heartache and pain in that exact support system...

especially the unbearable heartache for the girl who had loved him for six years, for the girl who found comfort and love within his soul, his eyes, his touch, his presence.

________

on an immeasurably sad, thursday, april morning, alonzo was found dead.

________

his memory. his love. his laugh. his smile. he, in general, will live on in his loved ones hearts forever.

________

lucy loved alonzo. 
and she always will.
________

lucy is incredibly strong.
the immense strength of her heart, soul, and love from her support system keeps her going.

and even though she'd "give up forever to touch him", the motivation (to do one set, one more squat, one more day) that his love once instilled within her, will keep her going.

________

rest easy, alonzo.
09.17.96-04.28.16









please know that you are loved, you are important, and you are worth it.
your life is worth it.
national suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 

cover letter.

cover letter.
noun. a letter sent with, and explaining the contents of, another document or parcel of goods.

earlier this year, i applied for a student photographer work study. as you guys know, photography has grown to be a huge passion in my life. i love the idea that although i cannot pause a moment, i can capture it.

with the application, i had to send in a cover letter.

i fell in love with this cover letter.
however, the employer did not.

this is the cover letter that didn't get me the job:

Mr. -------------------------------,

my favorite song is Gypsy by Fleetwood Mac. Why would I tell you that? There’s a line in that song that says “back to the floor that I love, to a room with some lace and paper flowers”—which Stevie Nicks wrote to reminisce on her humble, poor beginnings. Now not everybody can paint a picture with a melody and words strung together like Stevie Nicks, but I can still paint that picture. Instead of using a melody and words, I use my camera to capture that moment that some individuals will go “back to the floor that they love” while looking at.

Being a military child, I have grown up cherishing photographs more than others. The constant change has made me appreciate looking at pictures and how things were in that particular moment. Moments and people can change, but moments captured in film have the potential to last forever. That familiarity and simple joy that you get while looking at photographs is what I love.

Art is everywhere in the world, especially on this incredible campus, and art is meant to be appreciated. With my personality, skills, and camera, I have the potential to help evolve your photography and capture the immense beauty the University of Kansas provides. 

Thank you for this huge opportunity.

I hope you will look at my photos and resume and consider me as your future employee. 

Thank you,

Andrea Torres

___________________________________________________________

this letter was more than just a cover letter. in a cliche sort of way, it felt like a huge piece of me. and i think others can relate to this, not because they are applying for a new job or whatever, but because that familiar "floor that i love, a room with some lace and paper flowers" lives in everybody's hearts.

also...maybe don't be so creative in cover letters...

but then again, i don't regret this at all.

creating this brightened up my soul a little bit. and that's worth not getting the job over.

there isn't much of a point to this blog post, but i guess just remember that your soul has to be some kind of top priority to you.

take care of yourself and fill yourself up with love...

because even if others (including employers) cannot see it, your beautiful soul is meant to shine.